Courtesy of the Democrats

California Bill SB1437 is making its way through the California legislature and if it becomes state law, all references to mom, dad, mother and father are to be removed from all school textbooks insofar as they suggest that a mother and father are the parental norm. Life is about to imitate schtick as my ex-writing partner, Norman Stiles, once brilliantly said because there are few choices to replace those words other than the Conehead’s famous sketch comedy expression “Parental Unit.”

Mom and dad represent gender differences and sexual orientation which the bill is determined to eliminate. Presumably, staples of high school life like prom king and queen would be eliminated and replaced by …. what? Prom bipeds, Regal anthropoidal mortals, ruling sapiens come to mind. Words like personage or human would not be used because of their gender specific syllables, son and man.

The bill was introduced by State Senator Sheila Keuhl, best known as Zelda from the popular television show The Many Lives of Dobie Gillis. Senator Kuehl, who grew up to be a lesbian as well as a Democrat, wants equality for all gays, lesbians, transgendered and cross-beastial individuals. “She was as normal as the rest of us,” said an unnamed former Dobie Gillis castmember, until she dated Warren Beatty. That’s when she turned all hinky on us.” Beatty was unavaliable for comment, but his spokesperson said “that it’s instructive to know that of all the last names she could have chosen as a stage name, she picked the name of … a boy. And that was before she met Warren. Do the sexual math here.”