Desperate Democrats Hire Rod Rust To Devise War Strategy

With the country seemingly opposed to the Democrats strategy of Cut and Run and its less drastic cousin, the Cut and Jog, the DNC has retained the services of former New York Giants coach, Rod Rust, to help them devise a defensive strategy for getting out of Iraq while still looking good enough to win some elections.

Known for his innovative but ineffective notions, Rust seemed a perfect fit for the Democratic party and he immediately offered several novel approaches for consideration, among them the Split and Ride, the Flub and Flee and the Piss and Moan. Currently being evaluated by Democrats is a Rust scheme called the Sink or Swim. This commits us to staying in Iraq until everyone there can do the Australian crawl, after which we leave the country.

Another Rust scheme is the Dot and Dash. In this one, our undercover personnel on the ground reveal in Morse Code our whereabouts and we dash out of each location before the insurgents get there. The idea is to exhaust the enemy with wild goose chases, easing our way to victory. Many Democrats reject this approach because it contains the word victory.

Rust is also proposing the Hustle and Flow, which is exactly what it says. Our troops begin hustling out of the country, but go with the flow. The problem here is that only Rust knows what the flow is and he ain’t talking.

Democrat strategists are especially excited by Rust’s scheme called Scribble and Scramble, a very subtle evacuation process in which deployed units evacuate their areas but leave notes on their tents and barracks that say “Out to lunch,” “Back in ten minutes” or “Gone fishin.’” Then they just don’t come back. The beauty of this scheme is that it looks like we’re still doing something, but we’re not. “It’s a variation of the Read and React,” said Rust.

Other schemes Rust is devising are the Spurn and Scoot, Ditch and Dart and the Mince and Move. The Spurn and Scoot is particularly innovative because it’s essentially a psychological withdrawal. Our troops tell everyone in the vicinity that they don’t love them anymore and get out fast. “This is one that the entire world can relate to,” says Rust. “We’ve all been rejected at one time or another and this scheme makes it seem that the U.S. and Iraq are simply having a lovers’ quarrel.”

Most appealing to Democrats is Rust’s scheme to Tax and Go. The idea here is for Democrats to tax the Iraqis into submission, allowing us to withdraw in peace. Said Rust, “Iraq doesn’t know what oppression is until they’ve been taxed by Democrats. It’ll take all of the fight out of them, friends and insurgents alike.”

The most secretive scheme in Rust’s arsenal is the Bric a Brac. Early reports describe it as a continuation of existing Democratic strategy, which is just to throw all kinds of s**t at the war effort, hoping that some of it sticks and the troops are forced to come home.

Until the Democrats unite behind an approach they can all support, Rust will continue to offer other possibilities and has revived the famous (or infamous) Read and React defense he devised for the New York Giants. Here, the Democrats will read the polls and react, leaving them a step behind, just like the Giants defense under Rust’s tutelage.

For more on Rod Rust and the Giants.