After deliberating for eight months, the world’s legal meisters have summoned Paris Hilton and Rosie O’Donnell to Nuremberg to be tried for sex crimes against humanity.

“The damage Ms. Hilton has caused this time-honored, hallowed and extremely enjoyable activity in or out of marriage is irreparable,” said Piers Longar, the Swedish chief justice, speaking on behalf of the panel assembled to examine the evidence. “Hilton’s behavior over the years has given sex a bad name,” says Harry Exline, a recovering Hilton groupie, adding “It’s about time she was brought to sexual justice.”

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Italian talk show hostess

If we were, we could turn on the television and catch this hostess of an Italian talk show.

Instead, get this.

What we get

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair. We’re a bigger country, hornier and can appreciate beauty more than the Italians, who’re surrounded by it every day … except for those ladies with the mustaches.

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How much suspension of disbelief is an audience expected to endure to appreciate any movie? This one had too many and most of them were jaw-droppers.

In Babel, we have a modern, well-to-do American couple who goes on a trip with no backup for the care of their kids other than the nanny/maid, Amelia. That she has to scrounge for someone to watch the kids for a day so she can go to her son’s wedding suggests that the kids have no friends, never had play dates or sleepovers, that the parents had no friends among other parents in the neighborhood or in the school. According to the film, this family lives in a vacuum. It’s San Diego ferGawdsakes, not the boonies? Are they hermits? And if they were, would any parent leave their own kids in such a situation, especially after having recently lost a baby to SIDS? And go to Morroco, of all places? Screenwriter behaving stupidly.

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Lots of betting among my friends in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. Smart money was on the Colts, but some of my pals defied conventional wisdom the way teenagers avoid speaking in full sentences. Their money went to the Bears and for the first half of the first quarter, it looked like a good bet.

Everybody said they were crazy. The Colts were a sure thing, but the truth in sports is a sure thing except maybe that the Detroit Lions will continue to get worse as long as Matt Millen is at the helm.

Some things, however, are sure things. For example, you can bet the house that you’ll never hear someone say, “I’d like to buy a car seat for my Lamborghini” or a priest saying, “Get out of my fucking church.” It won’t happen.

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Barbaro’s grieving friends and relatives gathered bravely outside Barbaro’s stable anxiously awaiting the life or death verdict of the team of international veterinarians tending the ailing stallion. Their stoic demeanor collapsed into a stream of tears when one of the vets exited the stable and accidentally kicked over Barbaro’s oatbucket. It was an ironic metaphor that would describe his decision – thumbs down for this great piece of horseflesh.

Once past their grief, Barbaro’s owners quickly put his estate in order. Even in his weakened condition, this gallant steed was able to affix his hoofprint on the many legal documents required to keep his winnings and sperm out of probate. Barbaro did this cheerfully, trying to put everyone’s grief at bay. This was so typical of him, insiders said, always trying to bring a smile.

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Television writers are in a constant struggle to create inventive dialogue for their characters. Having done it for close to thirty years I know how hard it is, especially when you’re working on a series going somewhere into its fifth to twelfth year.

However, writers for “Law and Order” –- any version –- have fallen down on the job. I’m speaking specifically about the final line given defense attorneys when they adjourn a meeting with the prosecutors -– “We’re done here.”

You know the scene: Sam Waterson and the eye-candy assistant D.A. of the season righteously spit out the evidence against the defendant for him and his smug attorney. The attorney sneers at the case’s weakness, stands and says, “We’re done here.” And out they go.

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