Lots of betting among my friends in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. Smart money was on the Colts, but some of my pals defied conventional wisdom the way teenagers avoid speaking in full sentences. Their money went to the Bears and for the first half of the first quarter, it looked like a good bet.

Everybody said they were crazy. The Colts were a sure thing, but the truth in sports is a sure thing except maybe that the Detroit Lions will continue to get worse as long as Matt Millen is at the helm.

Some things, however, are sure things. For example, you can bet the house that you’ll never hear someone say, “I’d like to buy a car seat for my Lamborghini” or a priest saying, “Get out of my fucking church.” It won’t happen.

Some other things you’ll never hear are, “In the name of England, I dub thee Sir Bubba,” “Sylvester Stallone is magnificent as Hamlet,” and “Presenting the South Bronx Gilbert and Sullivan Ensemble.”

Also, some things are sure things to never happen. You can bet your life on it. There will never be a Pope Mohammed Youssef or a middleweight named Sugar Ray Vanderbilt. And you never will hear that Osama bin Laden had orange fingers from eating Cheetos.

You can pretty much go to the bank that Barbara Streisand will never have a power lunch at IHOP or that Hillary Clinton will ever be a size nine. It’s a sure thing that there will never be a great guru named Dave, that Martin Scorsese will ever direct a film called “Attack Of the Killer Clams,” or that Louis Farakkan will enter a recipe in the Pillsbury Bake Off. An even better sure thing is that he won’t win.

There will never be discovered a dead sea scroll that had Jesus introducing St. Peter as “my main man,” nor will you ever read that someone in the Gestapo ever ordered a lite beer at Oktoberfest.

You will never see a cow frolic nor ever be able to buy Chateau Rothchild in a box. These are sure things. Bet on them.