After deliberating for eight months, the world’s legal meisters have summoned Paris Hilton and Rosie O’Donnell to Nuremberg to be tried for sex crimes against humanity.

“The damage Ms. Hilton has caused this time-honored, hallowed and extremely enjoyable activity in or out of marriage is irreparable,” said Piers Longar, the Swedish chief justice, speaking on behalf of the panel assembled to examine the evidence. “Hilton’s behavior over the years has given sex a bad name,” says Harry Exline, a recovering Hilton groupie, adding “It’s about time she was brought to sexual justice.”

Exline, founder of S.A., Skankaholics Anonymous, a group that helps recovering devotees of Hilton, Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan and other celebrity slatterns, has been Hilton free for two hundred and seventy days and his sex life has returned to normal. “I couldn’t get an erection unless the woman I was with behaved like a slut,” Exline says. “I couldn’t even have dinner with my mother, who is as prim as they come.”

Speaking about the panel’s decision, Longar said that women around the world complained that their men were expecting them not to wear underpants, talk dirty and request unusual sex acts, often in the presence of friends and animals. They also complained of the exhaustion and humiliation that accompanied their delirious ecstasy.

“The charges against Rosie O’Donnell are clear on its face – hers,” said Longar. “Wherever Ms. O’Donnell is, sex isn’t. The desire doesn’t seem to be there when she’s in the room.” O’Donnell defenders say that not many people are inclined to have sex when “The View” is on and therefore isn’t a good indication of her impact on the glands of men and women. “That is what the trial will determine,” said Longar. Humanity and Hannity await our decision.