Rove caught plotting

An official, unidentified friend of the cousin of a neighbor of the nephew of a deceased White House staffer has revealed that Karl Rove personally accelerated Tony Snow’s cancer because Elizabeth Edward’s cancer was getting too much sympathetic press attention for her and Democrats in general. Anyone who knows Karl Rove knows that he won’t let cancer beat him, even if its someone else’s.

The source said that he felt guilty not to have spoken up about Rove’s previous diabolical plots and manipulations. “I said nothing when he arranged 9/11, was silent after he steered Katrina towards New Orleans, kept mum when he fixed it so the Colts would beat the Bears in the Super Bowl to teach Barack Obama a lesson. And I figured that gas prices would fluctuate anyway. But Tony Snow’s cancer is a plot too far.”

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I just read a strange item. It seems that the state of Minnesota has tried to prosecute the Catholic Church under federal RICO statutes, claiming a conspiracy of silence over mounting charges of sexual abuse by its clergy.

“Not our thing,” says Father Munsche

RICO, or the Racketeering Influence and Corrupt Organizations Act, was created primarily to combat organized crime. When I read the item, I wanted to do some investigating and called Monsignor Charles “Chuckie Bigs” Swenson of St. Peter’s in St. Paul. He was unavailable for comment, but two accused associates, Father James “Wafer Willy” Fergusson and Father Francis “The Confessor” Munsche from Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity said that they vowed to fight the charges against them and their crew. “This is not our thing, to do this thing with our thing or anybody else’s thing,” said Munsche, who told me he had better things to do.

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KSM is on a roll. The Al Quaida terrorist, who recently confessed to thirty-one plots against the West, has told interrogators that he’s responsible for much more. “Ka-Ka,” as his friends call him, explained to reporters that he wants to give America its torture’s worth, he rattled off more examples of his terrorist handiwork. He claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s new baby. “She was killed by the Americans so she wouldn’t have a Muslim baby with a mustache,” he said.

Next on his list was the recent deaths of dogs who were fed tainted dog food by their owners. Ka-Ka had long taught his jihadist students that if “you destroy their pets, you destroy their will to live.” He confessed to organizing the effort to infect cans of Diamond Pet Food, the South Carolina based company who distributed it to stores across the country. As we write, the puppy death count is rising and pet owners are scared, real scared.

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Let’s hope those media diapers are bio-degradable. They’re accumulating, as are its contents.

Full media diaper

Media reports about the confession of Khalid Sheikh Mohammad, acknowledged planner of 9/11, took great pains to point out that he was in Guantanamo and subject to intense screening and interrogation, which the media claimed was actually waterboarding. Follow ups by their “experts” said that tortured people will admit to anything to stop the torture. There you have it! The media planting doubt that this guy did anything at all. Another load in the news diaper of truth.

KaKa

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The Washington State Interscholastic Activities Association, the organization that oversees high school sports that has condemned booing at high school sports events is also preparing a policy that would exclude teams from scoring points.

“It makes the other team feel bad,” said Mauro Canese, Kendrich High basketball coach. “The opposing team throws up a three-pointer and my boys get the wind knocked out of their sails. Where’s the fun in that?”

The thinking behind the no-scoring policy is that if no points are scored, fans of both teams can go home happy. The athletes still get a workout and because every one of them are technically winners, all of them will get laid after the game.

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Unnecessarily reliable sources have revealed that Senator John Edward’s recent comment about America’s selfishness was a result of a session in which Edwards channeled Jesus and simply repeated his sentiments. Suspicions arose when observers learned Jesus also told Edwards that the minimum wage should be raised and amnesty granted for all illegal Mexicans but not the “shitface” Central Americans.

Channeler Edwards

It was also reported that in the channeling session Jesus told Edwards that Texas, Arizona and parts of Southern California should be ceded back to Mexico and that the United States ensure that all families in poverty have access to a reasonably priced Pilates workout.

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SUV Suicide Leader

Sixteen SUV’s committed suicide in Bethesda, Maryland yesterday overcome with guilt because their gas mileage was over the recommended levels needed to save the planet. Among the gas guzzling behemoths that plunged to their tragic deaths over Waland’s Cliff was an Audi Q7, a Cadillac Escalade, two Toyota 4Runners, a Land Rover, Hummer, Ford Explorer and a Mercedes GL-class. The remaining brand names are being withheld pending notification of their owners.

“They just had enough,” sighed Bill Mendez, owner of the rogue Wrangler that organized and led the other SUV’s to their deaths. “They felt the resentment and hate directed towards them by the environmentalists. I was afraid to leave my vehicle alone in parking lots for fear of bullying from low mileage cars and hybrids. And the irony is, my Hummer supported Kyoto.”

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Al Capone

The Tomb

The much ballyhooed Discovery Channel special Sunday night that claimed to be the tomb of the unrisen Jesus turned out to be a storage unit for Al Capone. Apparently, Geraldo was looking in the wrong place.

Hoping to debunk Christ’s resurrection, the foundational element of Christianity, Producer John Cameron was titanically disappointed when the ossuaries presumed to contain the bodies of Jesus, Mary Magdalene and other members of the Christ family were opened.

To be sure, they contained male skeletons, but the archaeological crew believed they were actually lower echelon gang members of George “Bugsy” Moran, longtime Capone rival. They were not clothed in the robes and sandals common to the time and area; instead, lab tests revealed that they were all wearing double-breasted worsted suits with two pair of pants. This also put to rest once and for all that the tomb contained the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

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Concerned parents and doctors are experimenting with a new program to help at risk eaters reduce rising weight levels – obesity offsets. “People are getting fatter,” said Doctor Weiland Wagner, a concerned scientist, parent and doctor who has scientifically noted an alarming rise in CL, corpulence levels, on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer.

Obesity offsets work

Patterned after the carbon offset program environmentalists created to justify living in a way they don’t want the rest of us to live, obesity offsets will allow a person to eat all he or she wants while his offset makes someone else fat. The goal is to reduce global eating, of which the United States is the major culprit, according to rotundists, who’ve been campaigning people to reduce their calorie intake.

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In a blockbuster tape released by Al Jazeera, Al Quaida’s third in command, Bahir Murwaffaq Abdul-Jalil, has claimed responsibility for the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Abdul-Jalil denounced her as a modern day “whore of Babylon,” who deserved to die because she was a slave to western decadence and had enormous breasts. “It is not justice that this harlot has breasts enough for three women and my wife has the breasts of a boy and the beard of a man.

Cause of death

Allah is good, Allah is kind, Allah is just, but Allah must have been asleep at her creation. Al Quaida has done God’s work in sending her to hell and Allah has decreed that I keep before me her naked picture as a reminder of her evil presence.”

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