In a blockbuster tape released by Al Jazeera, Al Quaida’s third in command, Bahir Murwaffaq Abdul-Jalil, has claimed responsibility for the death of Anna Nicole Smith. Abdul-Jalil denounced her as a modern day “whore of Babylon,” who deserved to die because she was a slave to western decadence and had enormous breasts. “It is not justice that this harlot has breasts enough for three women and my wife has the breasts of a boy and the beard of a man.

Cause of death

Allah is good, Allah is kind, Allah is just, but Allah must have been asleep at her creation. Al Quaida has done God’s work in sending her to hell and Allah has decreed that I keep before me her naked picture as a reminder of her evil presence.”

When asked how Al Quaida accomplished Miss Smith’s assassination, Abdul-Jalil said, “trade secret” and made a gesture as if zipping his lips. “It is enough to know that her breasts are gone,” he said. “We need not take pride in the manner of her execution, except to say that it involved her nipples and and the firm roundness of her buttocks.” Many sources, however, dispute Abdul-Jalil’s claim.

“There will be more deaths,” Abdul-Jalil said. “We are subscribed to many of America’s decadent magazines and will select one or more of these centerfold breast people to meet Allah. We will also look very closely at the American sluts who do not wear panties in public and enslave them in chains on our secret mattress locations for months and months and months, enduring their breasts and vaginal cavities until Allah commands us to dispatch them to his holy bed.”