Concerned parents and doctors are experimenting with a new program to help at risk eaters reduce rising weight levels – obesity offsets. “People are getting fatter,” said Doctor Weiland Wagner, a concerned scientist, parent and doctor who has scientifically noted an alarming rise in CL, corpulence levels, on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer.

Obesity offsets work

Patterned after the carbon offset program environmentalists created to justify living in a way they don’t want the rest of us to live, obesity offsets will allow a person to eat all he or she wants while his offset makes someone else fat. The goal is to reduce global eating, of which the United States is the major culprit, according to rotundists, who’ve been campaigning people to reduce their calorie intake.

Rotundists have long preached that if the United States continues eating at its current disgusting pace, their combined obesity footprint will increase the country’s weight gain to such a degree that it will tilt the planet off its axis and send it hurtling into space and certain destruction.

Obesity footprints are the official measure of someone’s contribution to global eating. A three-hundred pound person leaves an obesity footprint of five eighths of an inch in soft ground. Each step he takes shakes the planet and adds to the rotational tilt that diet scientists say has increased since fast food first came on the scene. All this is laid out in meticulous detail in the film An Inconvenient Spare Tire, which indicts America as a global fat city.

You eat this

“Obesity offsets are an ingenious solution for people who don’t want to watch how much or what they eat,” said the program’s developer, Marla Munche. Munche has been testing the program on hedonists, sensualists and guilt-ridden liberals. She reports that they’re all eating like pigs, injesting every calorie within arm’s reach and none have gained weight. But somehow, somewhere, somebody is putting on the pounds.

This guy gets fat

“I got the idea from Al Gore,” said Munche. “The man’s a blimp and if he wants to be taken seriously on this global warming shit he’d better lose some weight and stop polluting the environment with his fat self. At his weight, his obesity footprint is pretty deep.”

Munche admits they haven’t found the mechanism whereby individuals can use their avoirdupois-avoidance proxies to benefit the starving people of the world, especially Africa. “It would be great if the wretched excess of others could benefit the less fortunate and we’re working on it. The best we can do right now is hope that the weight gain goes to Darfur and not your sister’s hips.”

Wish I had offsets

Those interested in the service can buy “eating credits” from a number of companies. As of now credits include cheesecake, éclairs, marbled steaks, potatoes stuffed with butter and sour cream, barbecued items, french fries, pizza and chocolate, with other foods to be added when enough people freak out about them. Turn in the credit when you eat any of the above items and somebody else gets fat. Or, you can opt to have someone plant a tree instead.

Many dieticians think rotundists are wrong and point to genetic factors and bone size to explain the weight gain. “People gain and lose weight all the time – it’s a natural cycle,” says Sioto Makatashi, chief scientist and Iron Chef of the Nagasaki Culinary Institute. “To blame it on food is just nonsense. Rotundists point to four hundred plus studies diet-reviewed by food experts at Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers and Slimfast University that say otherwise. Critics say that people have a god given right to be fat, even if it’s unpleasant to look at. “We’re like the army,” says Munche. “We want people to be all that they can be … and let others pay the consequences.”