Al Capone

The Tomb

The much ballyhooed Discovery Channel special Sunday night that claimed to be the tomb of the unrisen Jesus turned out to be a storage unit for Al Capone. Apparently, Geraldo was looking in the wrong place.

Hoping to debunk Christ’s resurrection, the foundational element of Christianity, Producer John Cameron was titanically disappointed when the ossuaries presumed to contain the bodies of Jesus, Mary Magdalene and other members of the Christ family were opened.

To be sure, they contained male skeletons, but the archaeological crew believed they were actually lower echelon gang members of George “Bugsy” Moran, longtime Capone rival. They were not clothed in the robes and sandals common to the time and area; instead, lab tests revealed that they were all wearing double-breasted worsted suits with two pair of pants. This also put to rest once and for all that the tomb contained the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

Not there

She is

Further tests indicated that at least two of the skeletons were wearing bra and panties under their suits, leading historians to believe that the killing might have been sexual in nature and having nothing to do gang rivalry. The lone female skeleton was not Mary Magdalene, but Trixie O’Brien, a chanteuse and one of Moran’s girlfriends, who died clutching a piece of sheet music to Alexander’s Ragtime Band in the key of Bflat.

More tantalizing is the suggestion that one of the bodies is Capone himself, but that determination can’t made until the DNA test results come in. “Until then, we can’t rule out the possibility that one of these dudes is Jesus,” said Simcha Calomis, lead archaeologist. But most observers say it doesn’t seem likely, especially since the crew found a scribbled note that read, “Elliot Ness is a big, fat fairy queer.” Linguists opine that Jesus wouldn’t have used the word “queer.”

The crew also found Capone’s accounting books and lists of bribed cops, aldermen and judges. There were also a number of artifacts – six fully loaded machine guns, a box of toothpicks and a saxophone.

When archaeologists from the Israel Antiquities Authority first found these ten limestone burial boxes, known as ossuaries, six had inscriptions. It was believed that these were the names of Jesus, Mary, Mary Magdalene and Judah, as well as Matthew and Joseph, supposed brothers of Jesus. But linguists failed to decipher what they first believed to be Aramaic.

An American member of the crew thought the words looked familiar and suggested that the language was actually pig latin, which turned out to be the case. Translated from the pig latin the inscriptions said, “squealer,” “dirty rat,” “welcher” and “asshole.”

Tantalizing questions remain, however, as to how Capone found this most secretive of locations. There is speculation that Capone was really Jewish, Albraham Capowitz by name, and records show that there was a Capowitz family who were once wealthy enough to afford such a large burial location in Jerusalem. The most intriguing discovery in this regard was a steering wheel off a 1927 Packard and a map detailing a route from Illinois to Jerusalem.