SUV Suicide Leader

Sixteen SUV’s committed suicide in Bethesda, Maryland yesterday overcome with guilt because their gas mileage was over the recommended levels needed to save the planet. Among the gas guzzling behemoths that plunged to their tragic deaths over Waland’s Cliff was an Audi Q7, a Cadillac Escalade, two Toyota 4Runners, a Land Rover, Hummer, Ford Explorer and a Mercedes GL-class. The remaining brand names are being withheld pending notification of their owners.

“They just had enough,” sighed Bill Mendez, owner of the rogue Wrangler that organized and led the other SUV’s to their deaths. “They felt the resentment and hate directed towards them by the environmentalists. I was afraid to leave my vehicle alone in parking lots for fear of bullying from low mileage cars and hybrids. And the irony is, my Hummer supported Kyoto.”

Grieving SUV owner

Harry Wolfson, who owned a Chevvy Tahoe that was one of the sixteen, was in despair that he couldn’t spot the classic telltale signs –- hesitant starts, grinding pops and a recalcitrant alignment. “It was sluggish for months,” he said of his late vehicle with the chrome-appearance package and leather wrapped steering wheel. “I was so selfishly caught up in unimportant things like my job, four kids, wife and house repairs that I didn’t notice how unhappy it was. Now I wish I had paid more attention to it, maybe washed it more.”

“This is often the case,” said SUVologist, Dr. Helen Zimmer, who specializes in treating depressed SUV’s. “They seem so rugged and full of life, but they’re still machines who’re very good at hiding their feelings, but eventually they snap. Sometimes their On-Star systems send out an SOS, a cry for help, but these early warnings go unnoticed. Sometimes, all it needs is a tune-up or a higher grade of fuel to bring its mileage under control.”

Distraught Cardozo

“I’m shocked,” said a weeping Maria Cardozo, a Washington lobbyist, who’s now been forced to use the DC transit system for the first time and doesn’t know where to get off. “We gave our Audi Q7 a wonderful garage, neat, clean, no oil spots on the floor. Sure, she was pre-owned, but we treated it as if it were ours. Who knew it was concerned about global warming?” Mrs. Cardozo held up a shopping bag. “We just bought her a new carpet set. Now she’ll never see it,” Cardozo sobbed, overcome with grief.

SUV observers and friends were also very upset at the loss of their road buddies and gathered at the suicide site to leave items in their memory – car jacks, fragrance sticks, glove compartment detria, bobbleheads, nerf dice and unapplied bumperstickers were but a few of the remembrances left at the scene. A passing Prius was heard to say, “Yeah, I hated their guts for polluting the atmosphere, but I didn’t want them to die. No rational high-mileage vehicle wants that.”

“I blame Al Gore,” said Major Harley Venable, owner of the Lincoln Navigator that was part of the pact. “All that hounding, all that bullshit about CO2’s took its toll. No wonder I had to take it to the shop six times in the year I owned it.” Others disagreed, blaming George Bush and Iraq. An SUV hybrid friendly with one of the dead Toyota 4Runners confirmed that the Toyota was despondent over the emissions the war was causing the planet.

Deceased BMW in happier times

A spokesperson for the Infinity QX56 that also took the plunge discounted all environmental causes for his vehicle’s death. “It was unhappy from the beginning because it had a funny name, QX56, and not something glitzy like Escalade or Land Rover. All this gas guzzling theorizing is just bullshit.”

Early investigative reports indicate otherwise, however. According to lead investigator, Sheriff Armand Copeland, the gas tanks of all sixteen vehicles contained Koolaid, leading him to think that these SUVs were part of a suicide cult. “This could be a vehicular Jonestown,” he said. Other evidence also points to a cult culture – all the vehicles were in first gear, a gear that uses the most gas. “This was a statement,” added the Sheriff, “no question about it.”

Only one farewell oil slick was found in the garages of the vehicles and that was from Mr. Mendez’ Wrangler, which willed its Bose Sound System to GreenPeace.