KSM is on a roll. The Al Quaida terrorist, who recently confessed to thirty-one plots against the West, has told interrogators that he’s responsible for much more. “Ka-Ka,” as his friends call him, explained to reporters that he wants to give America its torture’s worth, he rattled off more examples of his terrorist handiwork. He claims to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s new baby. “She was killed by the Americans so she wouldn’t have a Muslim baby with a mustache,” he said.

Next on his list was the recent deaths of dogs who were fed tainted dog food by their owners. Ka-Ka had long taught his jihadist students that if “you destroy their pets, you destroy their will to live.” He confessed to organizing the effort to infect cans of Diamond Pet Food, the South Carolina based company who distributed it to stores across the country. As we write, the puppy death count is rising and pet owners are scared, real scared.

Doomed puppy

“We must not only kill every infidel, we must also kill their dogs, cats and goldfish,” he said to reporters at Guantanamo, where he has been held prisoner for four years. “You will see more pets on their back with their feet up,” he warned.

When asked if he is confessing only to avoid continued torture such as waterboarding, KSM said that he was never waterboarded. He was made to skateboard, a humiliating experience for a fat, middle-Eastern man such as himself. He would be forced to skateboard down Guantanamo’s prison hallways while the Americans laughed at me. “But I showed them,” he said. “Now I can do ollies, fingerflips and Caspar Stalls. I am working on my Primo Slide and Wall flip. Tony Hawk hasn’t got shit on me.”

Ka-Ka also hinted at upcoming terrorist attacks that will wreak havoc across the country — putting greens of golf courses everywhere will be overrun with weeds and that one in three bags of charcoal briquettes have been sabotaged and fail to ignite. “No pigs will be barbecued this summer,” he said triumphantly.

“I have organized other plots,” he said, “but I would need some severe torture to reveal them — true torture, from the American soldiers in the black garter stockings and whips, Lady Raven and her mechanical donkey, Consuela. Only them. And only then will I tell you how we cancelled Studio 50 On the Sunset Strip and where Natalie Holloway is –” And here he went suddenly silent. A few moments later he asked if I knew Greta Van Sustern or Nancy Grace. “Ask them,” he said, as he was being forced to ride a segue through traffic cones to the ridiculing entertainment of our troops.