I just read a strange item. It seems that the state of Minnesota has tried to prosecute the Catholic Church under federal RICO statutes, claiming a conspiracy of silence over mounting charges of sexual abuse by its clergy.

“Not our thing,” says Father Munsche

RICO, or the Racketeering Influence and Corrupt Organizations Act, was created primarily to combat organized crime. When I read the item, I wanted to do some investigating and called Monsignor Charles “Chuckie Bigs” Swenson of St. Peter’s in St. Paul. He was unavailable for comment, but two accused associates, Father James “Wafer Willy” Fergusson and Father Francis “The Confessor” Munsche from Our Lady of Perpetual Virginity said that they vowed to fight the charges against them and their crew. “This is not our thing, to do this thing with our thing or anybody else’s thing,” said Munsche, who told me he had better things to do.

Bulls**t, says Vitucci

The popular Bishop of Minneapolis, Ronald “Sainty Bones” Vitucci, whose flamboyant cassock-wear has earned him the nickname, the Splendid Sacerdote, staunchly maintains that the Church is “totally legit,” a serious religious organization, engaged solely in acts of salvation, charity, comfort and importing olive oil. “Any wrongdoing or hanky-panky went out with the medieval Popes,” he said angrily, at the annual Sacramental Wine Awards.

“The secular humanists are trying to clip our reps with these false accusations,” he declared. “They want to muscle in on the Church’s territory and control the market with situational ethics, abortion rights, feminism, gay marriage and like that. Not to mention big Bingo kickbacks.”

Sitdown, L to R: Cavelos, Peterson, Vitucci, Sanderson, O’Neal, Duitois

Evidence seems to contradict the robed reverend, however, as suggested by a raid on a secret sit-down of top, soul-earning clerics in secluded Great Lakes Village, Minnesota. Among the prominent attendees were Cardinal Robert “Homily Bob” Peterson of the Boston diocese, Bishop Arnold “Novena Nut” Sanderson from the Newark diocese and the influential Cardinal Dave “Junior Requiem” Dutois, from Kansas City.

Church lawyers maintain that these holy high rollers met only to discuss dogma, the existence of God, tuna casseroles and expanding the sacraments to include ice dancing. But among the confiscated documents were incriminating contracts detailing the “shuttling” of pedophiliac priests from parish to parish for “organizational” reasons. For example, St. Agnes’ in St. Paul received accused priests from St. Stephen’s in St. Louis, while St. Margaret’s in St. Cloud got priests from St. Edmund’s in St. Joe and St. Theresa’s in St. Augustine in exchange for large sums of money and altar boys to be named later.

The conspiracy was vast but simple, according to prosecutor Roger Weyborne. “Let’s say a layman ratted out an abusive priest to his pastor. The circle of conspiracy began when the pastor didn’t do no snitching to the Monsignor, who didn’t snitch to no Bishop, who couldn’t snitch to no Cardinal, who could then deny with a clear conscience that no one snitched to him. The beauty of the conspiracy was in the double negatives. But now we know who didn’t tell nothing to who and when they didn’t not tell him.”

Informant, Quinn

The case cracked wide open when an informant came forward with an offer to spill what he knew about abuse in exchange for a spot in the “giving witness protection program.” Father “Rosy Beads” Quinn, a made monk with the reputation of having recruited over two hundred priests into the fold, has revealed names and activities such as bj’s and buggery, and that’s just the “B’s. His was an offer prosecutors couldn’t refuse. The diocese is trying to tarnish his credibility, contemptuously dismissing him as an “empty cassock.”

Older priests are mortified by the scandal. These “Latin Petes,” a term of derision used by the younger wiseclercs, are shocked that their fellow men of the cloth abused young boys. “That’s what we had the nuns for,” said one Latin Pete, who requested anonymity, adding that if one of us ever violated a little boy, our spiritual enforcers would make sure he never got out of the confessional, or he’d get whacked in his rectory — if you catch my drift.”

As is typical with the organization of the Church, there is no evidence linking the top man, Pope Benedict, to the scandal. “Bennie Bigs,” as he’s sometimes called, is the Bishop of Rome and as such is the Bishop di tutti bishii. He’s said to have settled the potential turf war many expected after the death of Pope John Paul “the Pole” the Second, as third world cardinals were attempting a move into church territories previously thought impenetrable by anyone who was not a “made” Euroclerc.