Rove caught plotting

An official, unidentified friend of the cousin of a neighbor of the nephew of a deceased White House staffer has revealed that Karl Rove personally accelerated Tony Snow’s cancer because Elizabeth Edward’s cancer was getting too much sympathetic press attention for her and Democrats in general. Anyone who knows Karl Rove knows that he won’t let cancer beat him, even if its someone else’s.

The source said that he felt guilty not to have spoken up about Rove’s previous diabolical plots and manipulations. “I said nothing when he arranged 9/11, was silent after he steered Katrina towards New Orleans, kept mum when he fixed it so the Colts would beat the Bears in the Super Bowl to teach Barack Obama a lesson. And I figured that gas prices would fluctuate anyway. But Tony Snow’s cancer is a plot too far.”

Rove’s secret lair

Few people know that Rove has a secret laboratory in the bowels of the White House where he and his hand picked team of evil cohorts develop these monstrous schemes. “It’s a 24/7 operation,” the source told a known, anonymous informant close to the personal trainer of a political operative with a book deal. “That’s where they dream up their schemes. They use all the disgruntled anti global warming scientists to make it happen.”

Anti global warming scientist

Alleged Rove drop-off

When they have all the details worked out, they put the plot plans in a secret drop-off, where it’s sent through the pipeline, picked up by one of Rove’s operatives and implemented. “I personally saw them drop the plans for Anna Nicole Smith’s death in there myself.” This contradicts previous reports on the cause of Smith’s death.

The fact that Tony Snow is a loyal and effective friend to the Bush White House makes no difference to the fiendish Rove. Anyone is fair game if it helps him advance his cause. “He’d destroy his own mother,” said the source, “if she doesn’t destroy him first. It runs in the family, you know. She was responsible for the Depression.”

Rove unequivocally denies any part in L’affaire Snow. “I don’t do cancer,” he said. “But, if I did it, I’d slip it into Tony’s food at the White House commisary.” Reliable relatives of a White House passer-by with connections to a veterinarian who treats the Jack Russell that belongs to the parent of one of Snow’s secretaries assures us that Rove and Snow have never been seen together in the commisary.