Distressed gerbil seeking relief

Environmentalist alarms were supported by a scientific paper released by renowned Professor Isador Gogol of the Icelandic Oceanographic and Net Fishing Institute. The newly published scientific document concludes that the mean body temperature of the earth’s gerbils is rising at an alarming rate, all because of the planet’s greenhouse effect. Gogol’s greenhouse global gerbil warming warning paper, which was released to coincide with this year’s Earth Day misery meetings, April 22nd, predicts dire consequences for the future of the planet as a result. Something must be done, perhaps an offset program of some kind.

“We must start educating the world on gerbil warming now,” shrieked Professor Gogol, who is the great grandson of the Russian writer and herring afficianado, Nicolai Golgol. He goes on to say that the planet will be doomed if gerbils can’t cool off by 2175 or next year.

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And so it has begun.

The media is clawing into the horror at Virginia Tech and pulling out its innards. They are creating their stories, framing the isues and hunting down every hook and angle they can think of. You can practically see the saliva dripping in anticipation of an orgy of coverage. How does it feel? What was he like? Did you know the victim (s?) Where were you when it happened? Columbine revisited. Shades of Richard Speck. Boy, oh, boy, there are enough story lines here to keep us all in business for months, and on anniversaries to come.

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In an April 13th Salon.Com article, Bill Maher attacked the “right-wing” crusade against the “elite.” This cheap shot specialist whined that in other fields, elite is good. Tiger Woods is elite, a brain surgeon or a Delta Force unit are elite. It means excellence, darnnit! But in politics, he says, right-wingers like Rush Limbaugh demonize the elite and by doing so are really embracing incompetency, his prime example being the Bush administration.

This isn’t to defend or criticize President Bush, only to educate Mr. Maher, who has conveniently and selectively parsed “elite” to launch a screed against the President. The word “elite” as conservatives are using it is irrelevant to any administration policy or to excellence itself.

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Full disclosure — I hate the guy. But he got shafted.

The man is a bloated, overweening, star-fucking shock jock with little juice left in his fusebox. He parlayed a modest soundbyte knowledge of contemporary issues into interviews with important guests who came on his show to promote their career or latest book.

Imus was made to grovel before his accusers, not the Rutgers basketball team, but to the professional race baiters, Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson. Imus took the media bullet for comments that were nursery-school tame compared to the horrid, despicable, daily flood of garbage the culture has for years sadly accepted from the mouths of rappers, MTV, BET, music videos and reality shows, about which the above morality monitors have said little.

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In a stunning outcome that even surprised our National Grandma, world peace erupted upon the completion of Nancy Pelosi’s unauthorized trip to Syria that violated the Logan Act. The Doofus of the House asserted that stealing the keys to the government was necessary in order

Let None Call It Treason

to deliver an important message from Israel’s Prime Minister Ehud Olmert to Syria’s President al-Assad. “Someone had to do it,” said Pelosi. “Yes, their capital cities are only two hundred miles apart, but Prime Minister Olmert couldn’t deliver his message personally becasue Israel doesn’t yet have MapQuest.”

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Fluffy - former Easter Bunny

R.I.P. Fluffy

Easter is upon us and the politically correct crowd known as liberals, have killed the Easter bunny, replacing it with the Spring bunny. You can find dead Easter bunnies in Walnut Creek, Ca., St. Paul, Minn and the Shops in Plano, Texas, where the Easter holiday is now the Spring holiday. More Easter bunny deaths are expected.

These holiday name changes are getting harder to keep track of than all the places renamed after Martin Luther King. It will take awhile before people start calling this furry little rodent the Spring Bunny when Easter time rolls around. First, the President will have to change the name of it’s traditional White House egg hunt on their lawn to the Spring Egg Hunt or the Holiday Egg Hunt. The former name is preferable so as not to confuse this holiday with the holiday we hold in December.

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Letter #1

Dear World,

Turney

This is letter my lovliest Iranian friends are allowed me in handwriting everyone to see is the one from my own hand. I am not forcing into write wrongful things that lie. My very handsome guards are giving me free will to speak my mind of things. All the great Iranian peoples are being with hospitable feelings at us.

This I am saying is truth. We and my other sailors have been sailing merrily into the ocean belonging to the great country of Iran and no one is forcing to say this. The great Iran navy are catching us in the waters with pants down as the West is liking to say. My fellow Navy criminals are regretful of sailing over bounding main close to great country of Iran and spying the nuclear facilities they do not have. It is justice to have trial to be guilty of this spying.

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