And so it has begun.

The media is clawing into the horror at Virginia Tech and pulling out its innards. They are creating their stories, framing the isues and hunting down every hook and angle they can think of. You can practically see the saliva dripping in anticipation of an orgy of coverage. How does it feel? What was he like? Did you know the victim (s?) Where were you when it happened? Columbine revisited. Shades of Richard Speck. Boy, oh, boy, there are enough story lines here to keep us all in business for months, and on anniversaries to come.

We will now see the media parade of coiffed experts, opinionators, second-guessers, Tuesday morning quarterbacks, accusers, beraters, lawyers, security experts, psychologists, sociologists, behaviorists, hypnotists, clairvoyants, analysts, linguists, Asian specialists, Korean culturalists and interested celebrities happy to make a few bucks and get face time on television.

Microphones will be shoved into the faces of distraught parents, weeping friends, anxious onlookers, on-the-sceners, shop keepers or anyone seen crying in the vicinity to keep viewers hooked to the screen and sustain ratings. Geared up are Greta, Geraldo, Katie, Charlie Gibson, O’Reilly, Hannity, Nancy Grace and local talk-showers, all determined to discover some fact, some wrinkle, some fast-breaking scoop others didn’t find. “He was wearing a Korean wristband, Bill, “which some say is significant for that culture.”

“Thanks, Geraldo, great report.”

Out the window go reason and common sense and awe in the face of grief, except in ways that will make it newsworthy and exploitable. Candlelight vigil? Get the cameras over there. The students themselves have organized it? Even better. Find the kids who put it together and interview them. Interview their parents. Interview their pets. Interview, interview, interview.

Meanwhile, what should be the slow, quiet and reflective time of mourning becomes a cacaphony of news trucks and satellite dishes. Intrusion is the order of the day. Ratings must be served.

Storylines are already formed. Response time between the shootings was two hours! What a juicy, newsworthy time differential. Why? How? Who’s at fault? Why wasn’t it better? Find parents who’ll say something like “my son would be alive if the administration acted faster.” Why wasn’t there better security? If they could try to secure Bagdhad, why not the campus? (Somebody will say that!)

Blame! The contemporary balm for our sorrow. Blame America. Blame guns. Blame and lawsuits. And the lawsuits will come. And the vultures of the media will be there to cover them. I first thought the President of Virginia Tech would be smothered like cheese in a fondue, but I am gratified and emotionally touched that the students themselves gave him their unqualified support. Thank you, you brave, reasonable students. Join the Rutgers girls basketball team as public exemplars of decency and understanding while all around you the media leeches are draining events dry.

Television is already asking “The Big Question” –”How could this happen?” Ohmigawd, how could it happen? How? There’s no answer except to say that some sick fuck got a few guns and decided to shoot people! That’s how it happened. But the media must know. They have asked, so its answer must be important. Besides, the question is a great hook to begin a report and a good closing line to end one. “And so,” the reporter says grimly, “after the horrible events of yesterday, we are all left to ponder the question, “‘How could his happen?’”

Cut.

“Did you get that? Do I need to do it again? My hair looked okay? Good, that’s a wrap.”

The gun storyline is being beaten to death and the lobbies are coming out in full force, pushing their agenda ahead of the line of grieving parents and friends. Stories on gun laws, Virginia gun laws, New York gun laws, federal gun laws, more gun laws, fewer gun laws, on gun dealers, gun owners, holster manufacturers — beat the bushes and get us these stories.

He has a sister in an Ivy League school. Sibling rivalry? Abusive parents? Korean food? Look into it. He’s on a visa. How could this happen with someone on a student visa? Do some stories on that. Is he an immigrant or a citizen? Do stories on that. Bring on the immigration spokespeople, for and against. Tie it in.

One of the professors saved a few lives but was shot. Do a story. He’s from Israel, he survived the Holocaust and now he dies on Holocaust Memorial Day. Jesus, what a great effin’ story. Ohmigawd. Interview his wife, his son. Interview, interview, interview … as the poor man lies in his pool of blood.

Am I cynical to believe that the media is thrilled when tragedy strikes? Oh, yes, the anchors show us the faces of solemnity, but underneath it all they are energized. They exist only to feed on tragedy — not to report it, mind you. That should be a dispassionate process, to tell us the big five, who, what, when, where, why — thank you and good night. They are like General Patton without a war. But at least Patton admitted that he needed the war, that he came alive when he was leading soldiers in that terrible business. And he was great at what he did. The media is not great at anything except stirring shit.

But not the media. Its practitioners will sanctimoniously tell us that they are being journalists, that they are bringing important information to the public. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.

No, it’s not dirty. You make it dirty. Virginia Tech, the parents and friends of those poor victims and the nation just wants to sit down and have a good cry. Get the f**k out of our way.