Distressed gerbil seeking relief

Environmentalist alarms were supported by a scientific paper released by renowned Professor Isador Gogol of the Icelandic Oceanographic and Net Fishing Institute. The newly published scientific document concludes that the mean body temperature of the earth’s gerbils is rising at an alarming rate, all because of the planet’s greenhouse effect. Gogol’s greenhouse global gerbil warming warning paper, which was released to coincide with this year’s Earth Day misery meetings, April 22nd, predicts dire consequences for the future of the planet as a result. Something must be done, perhaps an offset program of some kind.

“We must start educating the world on gerbil warming now,” shrieked Professor Gogol, who is the great grandson of the Russian writer and herring afficianado, Nicolai Golgol. He goes on to say that the planet will be doomed if gerbils can’t cool off by 2175 or next year.

Gogol first noticed the phenomenon in 2002 quite by accident. He and his research team were investigating techniques to extract dolphin bits from packed tuna tins when they noticed unspecified foreign particles mixed in with the albacore. Subjecting the samples to a rigorous scientific analysis, his blindfolded staff taste tested the samples in question using chicken as a control. One of Gogol’s associates eventually identified the unusual substance as gerbil — dark meat. As subsequent tuna samples continued an even larger percentage of gerbil bits, Gogol suspended his promising tuna packing research and turned their attention to what they called “gerbil drift.”

Gerbils seeking coldth

Funded by environmentally concerned actor Richard Gere and vice-President Al Gore, the study has already reached CSKC status – Concerned Scientist Koolaid Consensus. It wasn’t long before the Gere Gore Gogol greenhouse global gerbil warming consensus facts were in. Gerbil owners testified that their little pets were sweating profusely. Others jumped into open refrigerators or spent hours in front of house fans. Many were demanding air conditioned cages, while many others simply started the trek northward to colder climes. It’s as if gerbils were on a griddle.

Gogol’s team tracked millions of tiny gerbil footprints across the Yukon and were shocked to see gerbils in the artic, desperately fleeing intolerable warmth for coldth. Gerbils everywhere were burning up and trying to cool their bodies. Further, environmentalists say that because the planet itself is heating up at a rapid pace, human temperatures are on the rise, causing many gerbils to flee the relative comfort and stability they previously found in human anuses.

Gerbil starting family

“Artic regions, however, will offer only temporary relief for our gerbil friends,” says Gogol, “because the artic does not have enough treadmills to sustain them.” More alarming will be the gerbil migration effect on polar bears, which have the optimal anal temperature gerbils need to survive. Gerbils will attempt to crawl into these comfortable anal havens and raise families there, increasing gerbil population and inadvertently forcing polar bears into a dreaded lifestyle change.

Many gerbologists disagree. “Gerbils have always had fluctuations in body temperature,” said Howard Gimble, owner of Gimble’s Gerbilteria, the country’s premiere gerbil outlet. “If you google Gere Gore Gogol greenhouse global gerbil warming warning, you’ll find plenty of evidence to the contrary, but the liberal media is swallowing the story whole. It’s environmental propaganda. If we lived in another time it’d be the Goebbels Gere Gore Gogol greenhouse global gerbil warming warning.”

Gimble urges everyone to carefully read the literature before gobbling Gere Gore Gogol greenhouse global gerbil warming.