My solution to the illegal immigrant problem is fairly straight forward and it goes something like this: If people and companies with a few extra bucks can adopt a highway, why not use the same program to adopt an Hispanic?

Not just any Hispanic. I mean any illegal Hispanic living in the States who finds himself in need of a taxpayer funded service of any kind — schooling, hospitalization, welfare or food stamps. Instead of the financial burden falling on those of us whose parents and grandparents came here legally, a sensitive, liberal, touchy-feely, caring person or family can dig into their savings to provide whatever Government service their adopted illegal might need.

The lucky illegal Hispanic will wear a card around his neck that reads, This Illegal Hispanic has been adopted by [name of person or company] Identifying the adoptive benefactor will allow anyone to report the illegal Hispanic if he is seen accepting government handouts of any kind. But why would he have to? All his governmental needs will be taken care of by the donor, relieving the taxpayer of this illegal expense.

Potential adoptive “parents” would have to be registered and pass a stringent test.

First, they must be classified as a bona fide liberal, Democrat, Marxist, Socialist, college professor, Hollywood star or member of the media. These are the citizens who’re pushing for a general amnesty for these illegal Hispanics and it’s only fair that they should have the luxury of paying for the people they want here. If you don’t fall into any of the above mentioned categories, don’t apply.

Next, our wonderful parents must pass a “means” test. This means that they must have the funds to support their illegal Hispanic person in the manner to which government has accustomed them to. Further, should their illegal Hispanic be caught in the act of committing a crime, the adoptive parent is responsible. Just as parents are responsible for the deeds of their children, so too is the adoptive parent of an illegal Hispanic.

It is entirely the adoptive parent’s choice to determine whether his illegal Hispanic lives under his roof or fends for himself, but it is recommended that the parents provide shelter for their wards, perhaps in the room of the Hispanic maid they’re underpaying, or somewhere under the bushes of the lawn they’re having maintained for pennies by other illegal Hispanics.

If employers who regularly hire illegal Hispanics and therefore increase the financial burden on the rest of us adopt an illegal Hispanic they will receive a credit on the fine they’l have to pay if the government ever gets around to enforcing the law against such hires.