Felons Unite. Get off your bunk, put down those yard weights, stop work on your new shank and join FFA, Felons For Amnesty and fight for the right to have your crimes forgiven and forgotten. This means every burglary, mugging, theft, hijack or drug sale you’ve ever been indicted for. Our goal is to give us a fresh start burgling, mugging, thieving, hijacking, dope dealing and the biggie, drunk driving and manslaughter. Unfortunately, people are currently a bit touchy about you rapists and pedophiles, but that’s what we have sanctuary cities for.

FFA Headquarters

When and if the Senate passes the immigration bill, we will declare that day Felon Day and encourage felons everywhere not to commit any felony for twenty-four hours. Whether you are an independent felon or part of a gang or mob, take this day off from work to demonstrate how important we are to the economy. Felons are as vital to this country’s prosperity as illegal aliens, an if they can break the law and get a pass, why not us!?

Felonies represent twelve percent of new purchases, from cell phones to automobiles. When a felon steals, that item is immediately replaced, further stimulating the economy. And let’s not forget the staggering economic stimulus decent citizens provide when they pad their insurance claims after a theft. We are a significant percentage of the GNP.

Our founder

Felons contribute mightily to America’s growth in many other ways. Felons are entrepreneurs. They are self-supporting and open up much needed jobs for non-felons. We are the future of America.

FFA strategy meeting

Without felons, unemployment would rise as there would be little need for policemen. Criminal lawyers would immediately be out of work and the upside is that they’d turn to the only other profession they’re suited for — crime. Then they’d be back in business. The judiciary would be drastically downsized and medical workers in our hospital rooms would not have the opportunity to treat felony related injuries like gunshots, stabbings or drug overdoses. No crime means no overtime for cops, who’ll go broke buying all those extra donuts.

We demand:

Phone designation. When we call a business or government agency, we want us added to the menu choice. Press 1 for English, Press 2 for Spanish, 3 for Felon.

Bi-lingual operators. We demand that operators speak both English and felon, along with Spanish. This person could be a current or former felon or someone who’s studied felon-speak and can understand how to get another identity, fake social security number, fake drivers license or other information to help us ply our trade and support our families.

We want the President to pass a guest-felon bill that will enable felons to commit their crimes legally, without having to worry that they’ll be sent to jail.

We want to go to the hospitals and have our stabbings, gunshots and overdoses treated without the indignity of being asked whether or not we’re felons. Many of us are afraid to get help these basic needs because those nosy cops and other professionals will check to see if we have any warrants hanging over us, and it’s back to the slam we go.

We want disability payments for injuries incurred on the job and inclusion in all hate crime legislation.

Fellow felons, our time has come. No more hiding in the shadows of people’s bushes or unpatrolled street corners. Stand up and be counted as an American citizen worthy of respect. Bring us out of the shadows. F stands for Felon and we call on all of you to F America.