Just last week, July 18th to be exact, North Korea shut its Yongbyon reactor, according to the UN’s nuclear watchdog, a delightful, caramel colored chihuahua named Bernice. The reactor had been producing weapons-grade plutonium and its closure fulfilled some terms of an agreement with the U.S., South Korea, Russia, China and Japan that was reached on Feb. 13.

This little reported event is a “triumph of diplomacy,” said Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, who had initiated back channel negotiations with the North Koreans. Sources close to this little known North Korean diplomatic effort have revealed that Kim Jong-Il’s change of heart was a result of a phone call from Alec Baldwin.

Impressed by Alec Baldwin’s toughness in dealing with his eleven or twelve year or thirteen year old daughter, and alert to the similarity of Jong-Il’s first name and that of his hated ex-wife, Kim Basinger, Secretary Rice had privately contacted him to see if he would call North Korea’s Jong-Il to read him the riot act regarding his nuclear program.

“We were impressed with Alec’s directness and pent up rage,” said Rice. “As diplomats, we’re trained to contain our fury, no matter how big the putzes we’re dealing with. Since only an ass can deal with asses, Baldwin was the perfect choice. If he could handle a pre-teen daughter, he’d have no trouble with two crazed heads of state.”

The long shot paid off. Despite Baldwin’s spittle making hatred for President Bush and the administration, Secretary Rice managed to convince him that attacking Kim Jong-Il would be a way to get back at his wife, Baldwin agreed to make the call.

An insider managed to leak a transcript of Baldwin’s phone call.

BALDWIN: Hey, I want to tell you something, OK?
J0NG-IL: Who this is?
BALDWIN: Don’t play dumb with me, you four-eyed little gook. I’m tired of playing this little game with you, duckwad.
JONG-IL: Kim Su, is this another one of your jokes?
BALDWIN: No, it’s me, Alec Baldwin, you ugly little monkey.
JONG-IL: Why you bother me, mister?
BALDWIN: Don’t play dumb with me, azzhole. You have insulted me for the last time. You don’t have the brains or decency as a human being or anything else. I don’t give a damn that you’re forty or fifty or however old you are, or that your wife won’t give you any. You have humiliated me with these nuclear programs.
JONG-IL: Bush? This cowboy Bush?
BALDWIN: I’m leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted me for the last time. I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out when I see you. Do you understand me?

BALDWIN: I’m going to really make sure you get it. I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what a rude little pig you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little pig, setting off those frickin’ missiles in the Pacific. It’s humiliating. What the fk were you thinking? Li’l Kim, you made me look like st. Just like your frickin’ namesake of a wife I used to have. I had to leave dinner because your frickin’ missiles scared the s**t out of the chick I was with. I’m coming there Friday to rip that hyphen out of your name and make sure you understand that this is the last time you humiliate me like that.”

According to the State Department, Baldwin hung up and booked a flight for North Korea, but by then the chastised Jong-Il had re-opened negotiations and hung a “Gone Fishing” sign outside the reactor door.

“Baldwin was magnificent,” said Rice. “We have plans for a call to Putin and Ahmedinejad. After that, we’re going to ask Baldwin to target Harry Reid and Russ Feingold. Baldwin power, there’s nothing like it.” Attempts to contact Baldwin’s ex wife, Kim Basinger, for this story went unanswered.

Bitch!