The New, Improved Osama

The big news these past few days is Osama’s new look — a trimmer, darker beard, a few extra pounds, fewer circles under the eyes and, for as much as we can tell from the video, maybe even a few inches taller. He’s certainly more presentable, someone you wouldn’t be ashamed to walk into a Whole Foods with.

When all is said and done, however, he still looks like a reject from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. It’s as if the Fab Five had a sputtering go at him but gave up after the first day, leaving some of their bitchy, memorable quotes in their wake — “That camo is so Vera Wang, girl,” “These sandals are completely tragic,” “This cave is totally stupid, or “I’ve never decorated around butt-holes before so I don’t know how to handle this.” That’s assuming Osama didn’t have them beheaded, or in their case, headed.

Rumor has it that he wanted to call on the services of the Nip/Tuckdocs and have a little face work done, but they wisely refused. It’s common knowledge that when villains have their faces changed the first bullets are presented to the surgeons who did the work so they won’t reveal his identity. It wouldn’t do for a cosmetic surgeon to have before and after photos of Osama in his office waiting room.

None of that happened, of course, but you’ve got to wonder what it was that prompted the world’s number one fugitive to rub a little Shinola on his beard to improve his look? Did he get ideas from John Edward’s new coif? We’ll never know, but my guess is that the al Quaida PR people had something to do with it.

“Hey, ‘Sama baby, you gotta start fixing yourself up if you want some serious cred, global wise. This decrepit look is, well, getting old, see what I’m saying? Who would you want selling your product, Tom Cruise or Wilford Brimley? I mean, you look like the Islamic ghosts of Ramadan past, present and future rolled into one. It’s nightmare time, buddy. You’re a human fixer-upper. We’re in a YouTube world and if you want your videos to get those hits, you need a little makeover.”

So now Osama is closer to the lion sheik he wants to be instead of the shaggy sheep he’s been looking like. Presumably the new Osama is a more formidable enemy. He looks younger, which should appeal to the 18 to 25 Muslim martyr demograpic. Al Quaida was concerned that these kids were becoming interested in real virgins and not the ones in paradise. “Once they’ve tasted the real thing, so to speak,” said an al Quaida operative, Muhammad Zed Q’taz Datiri with a sly smirk, “they’re lost to us.”

The CIA is examining the new Osama video for authenticity, but there is little doubt this is the real Osama. “When he starts getting the botox injections, that’s when it’s time to worry,” said an unnamed CIA officer. “A prettier Osama is a more dangerous Osama. He saw the spike in attention Hillary got when she showed some modest cleavage, and the attention Al Gore received when Naomi Wolf advised him to wear earth tones because they were more reassuring. If Osama goes full tilt makeover we won’t know what hit us.”