With the nomination and probable election of Hillary Clinton as president, those of us who elect not to slash our wrists might as well sign up for the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” club.

Since the health care tornado of 1993 scattered Hillary’s hope of universal health care like trailers in the wind, its specter now looms in the SCHIP bill that President Bush vetoed.

Make no mistake – Hillary’s put on her red ruby slippers and is on the yellow brick road to Socialism, which as we all suspect is somewhere in France. She and other Democratics seem determined to make us more like that crippled, dysfunctional, cheese and smoking paradise instead of the vibrant, individualistic, exceptional country we are, let’s add a few more Socialist rubber duckies in their bathtub.

Universal Hotel Care.

The federal government should install a single-payer hotel care bill that guarantees every traveler an affordable hotel room (or suite) in any city in the United States. Why should any citizen of this great country have to stay with friends or family because they can’t afford a decent hotel room? Why should a hard-working American have to “crash” in someone’s living room or pump up an airbed in the basement of an acquaintance’s house because a hotel room would “crash” their budget?

Then there are the tragic stories of families having to wait in line to use their host’s bathrooms and even making their beds before breakfast. Some have told heartbreaking stories of being in guest rooms without a television, or if they had a television, it wasn’t cable ready. The complaints of missing remotes will break your heart as guests had to change channels by hand.

The stress of having to be a good guest and submitting to the demands of a strict host is unbearable. Why shouldn’t all Americans enjoy unfettered maid service, room service, wake up calls and pilfering those little shampoo bottles and towels.

It’s time to accept the fact that we are a transient, mobile people. Families are often fractured as kids leave to take jobs distant from the homestead and relatives now travel long distances to new cities for Thanksgiving, Christmas, weddings, funerals and other get-togethers that sustain a family’s sense of itself.

Once they arrive, however, they are shocked by the high cost of hotels and often can’t afford to stay the week necessary for Mindy’s upcoming wedding. Universal Hotel care is the obvious solution.

Decriminalize Robbery and Theft

It’s time that we reflect the great disparity between the rich and the poor by decriminalizing robbery and classifying it as income redistribution. We urge passage of The Jean val Jean Law, named for Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables hero.

This legislation mandates that each citizen be assigned a target status number, which is based on that person’s disposable income after taxes. If someone’s disposable income reaches a level the government designates as “obscene,” that person is eligible to be robbed by someone with less disposable income.

People with disposable income below the figure the government designates as acceptable will be classified as needy and will be permitted to rob people with obscene target numbers. The idea is to insure that no one is able to accumulate wealth, thus equalizing income levels over the long run.

The wealth accumulated by anyone before the Jean val Jean law will not be affected, thereby enabling the rich to remain rich while the rest of us will be unable to become rich. The income of the non-rich will eventually be distributed equally. Everyone else keeps their money. Kind of like an oligarchy, first cousin to Totaliarism.

Grow Government, Not the Economy

Industries come and go, global markets and forces disrupt bottom lines, companies crumble and fall but Government never goes out of business. Never.

So why would anyone in his right mind want to become an entrepreneur? A capitalist? Why would anyone think that the economy is the road to success when that road is filled with potholes, speed bumps and wrong turns? It’s suicide, not for the faint of heart or the French.

But the government, the government is always there — big, strong and growing like a beanstalk. Under Socialism, the bureaucracy industry will grow forever. It makes sense to feed the beast.

Insure that as many slugs that want a government job gets one, giving them job security, pension and health benefits and critical work they can fuck up without having to worry about getting fired. The rest of us can become athletes, reality show contestants or members of the media, the very liberals who’re supporting universal health care.

The Yellow Brick Road to Ozalism has been laid out and we might as well join Hillary and her fellow traveling friends, the ones without brains, hearts or courage, and meet the Wizard of Socialism. We can only hope he’s as impotent as the Wizard of Oz.