In a sacrificial gesture to save the planet, Marilou Rotinsky of Berkeley, California, a luggage psychic, underwent surgery last week to have her anus and vagina sewn shut so that her natural bodily waste products wouldn’t contaminate the earth. “I am supporting the environmental movement by eliminating my own movements,” Ms. Rotinsky said ironically, managing a small smile though in considerable pain from the digested food accumulating inside her one hundred twenty pound body.

Ms. Rotinsky was inspired by Toni Vernelli, an Englishwoman who had herself sterilized to protect the planet. In a London Daily Mail article, Ms. Vernelli is quoted as saying that “Having children is selfish. It’s all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet. Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population.”

After reading the article, Ms. Rotinsky had an epiphany as she suddenly realized that she herself had been born and had been using food, water and land, producing poop, pee and and pollution, not to mention the additional methane her “leavings” emitted.

Vernelli’s smug, self-righteousness appealed to Ms. Rotinsky’s staunch brand of liberalism so prevalent on the left. It’s a twisted mindset that isn’t content just to act on one’s beliefs; it must also classify opponents as morally bankrupt for not agreeing with those beliefs and evil for not acting upon them.

Ms. Rotinsky, however, did not decide to disable her sphincter lightly. She received many minutes of intensive counseling from her yoga instructor and a Mister Lippy Borganza, The Homeless Philosopher, who is a local fixture in the doorways of downtown Berkeley.

Rotinsky then had a long talk with her husband, Lech, a personal house trainer for rock musicians. He wholeheartedly endorsed her decision and then dashed off to take out a two million dollar insurance policy on her life. He is also negotiating a book and movie deal for his wife’s story. Meryl Streep is interested in playing Rotinsky, as long no nudity is involved.

In an attempt to reduce the amount of waste matter clogging her intestinal tract, Ms. Rotinsky has stopped eating. When asked why she didn’t just fast instead of sewing closed her orifices, Rotinsky replied angrily that she wasn’t fasting. “I’ve stopped eating,” she said. “There’s a big difference.” Rotinsky is also pleased in the amount of toilet paper she won’t be using in the rest of her short lifetime and the huge amounts of water she’d save by not having to flush toilets after each use. “I’m lightening the load on the planet,” she said, “in more ways than one.”

Anal zipper

The surgical zipper used on her anus is made of a special non-woven fabric and is attached with hyposensitive glue and sutures. Moisture absorbing packing strips were integrated for added safety. The vaginal zipper, the KlitLock, is smaller, but made basically of the same materials. “Nothing’s getting past those babies, said Dr. Femmy Arbach, chief surgeon at San Francisco’s Men Are Scum Clinic. “We’re very proud of Marilou,” she said, “which is why I did the surgery pro bono, and for a part in the movie.”

Ms. Rotinsky is expected to die within seven to ten days and, true to her beliefs, is making arrangements to have her body shot into orbit to avoid a burial that will rot the planet she and other zealots believe is teetering on the brink of extinction. Cremation would use too much energy and emit CO2. When asked whether she considered the amount of fuel and energy a rocket would use to orbit her putrid, dead body into orbit, Rotinsky said, “Oh.”