What was she thinking?

No! No! No!

We here at the Rename Everything To Martin Luther King Institute are deeply disturbed by Hillary Clinton’s recent comments suggesting that President Lyndon Johnson was ultimately responsible for the Civil Rights Act and more important in that respect than the Reverend King.

If this preposterous nonsense is allowed to spread, civic groups everywhere will mount drives to rename existing buildings, airports, streets, roads, colleges, libraries and other edifices to Lyndon B. Johnson. It is even possible that already named Martin Luther King locations could be renamed in honor of President Johnson.

On this Martin Luther King Day, we must resolve to not let this happen and urge all our members to expend heroic effort to disabuse everyone of LBJ’s contribution to civil rights and reaffirm Reverend King as the sole and dominant figure in the struggle, despite what Senator Clinton said.

And So Will You

This year, The Rename Everything To Martin Luther King Institute has added another seven hundred and forty two buildings, government agencies, monuments, charities, scholarships, parkways, roads, streets, highways, Circles, Drives and one Loop newly renamed after this great man. To this date there have been over twelve thousand such name changes in the country since his tragic death. Each year brings us closer to our goal of re-naming everything in America in Reverend King’s honor.

Next week we begin our campaign to rename the month of January after the Reverend. Martin Luther King day will then be appropriately celebrated on Martin Luther King the 17th. While we’re on the calendar, we will continue efforts to rename the number four and Friday to Martin Luther King. When this is accomplished, all remaining Americans will be celebrating Independence Day on July Martin Luther Kingth, and the three-day holiday weekend will begin late Thursday or early Martin Luther King and end on Sunday. The restaurant chain, T.G.I.F, is lobbying strenuously against this, saying that it doesn’t make sense for people to say “Thank God It’s Martin Luther King,” at the end of a hard work week. Excuse us, but we think it does.

Further, it gives our hearts a warm fuzzy to think that children in elementary schools will be reminded of Reverend King each time they recite their times tables: Martin Luther King times one is Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King times two is eight. Seven times two will, of course, be Martin Luther Kingteen.

Lobbying efforts are in full swing to rename the Reverend King’s birth state, Georgia. Some groups, however, prefer that his birth city of Atlanta be renamed, giving us Martin Luther King, Georgia, instead of Atlanta, Martin Luther King. This disagreement will be moot once everything in the country has been changed; his birthplace will then be Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King, in the United Martin Luther King of America. His home is a national monument and tours can be arranged by calling (678) 382-63-Martin Luther King-5.

It’s possible that there would be incredible confusion when people ask directions, as was experienced in Los Angeles when a stranger asked for directions to Martin Luther King Hospital. The Los Angelino responded, “take Martin Luther King to Martin Luther King, turn left and keep going for Martin Luther King miles until you reach the Martin Luther King Loop. Circle the loop and take the second Martin Luther King exit. That puts you on Martin Luther King. You’ll pass two Martin Luther King signs, a Martin Luther Kingdonald and a Taco Martin Luther King. The next street after that you’ll see a Mobil Luther King station. Turn right and it’s at the end of the block.

Some very interesting changes have been suggested by others in the community and I’d like to pass them on for consideration. One is to rename twenty-two degrees farenheit to Martin Luther King. People would then be describing sub-zero weather thusly: “The temperature today here in Minneapolis is twelve degrees below Martin Luther King.” We like the idea.

Our Latest Achievement

Football fans have gotten into the act and are urging the league to rename the position of outside linebacker to Martin Luther King, as in Lawrence Taylor was the greatest Martin Luther King in the history of football. Leading the battle are the owners of the Martin Luther King Falcons, who spoke to us from Martin Luther King Field, where they were the first franchise to rename the end zone in the Reverend’s honor. Players will now have to reach the Martin Luther King to score a Martin Luther King. Teams will still have to kick a Medgar Evars for three points.

We approve of these suggestions and will implement them once the league changes NFL to MLKFL. With so many black players on the teams, this should be a slam dunk, as it was in the Martin Luther King Basketball Association.

We hope that everyone with nothing better to do will join in our goal to rename everything to Martin Luther King. Our work is not done and the struggle continues. People ask us why we continue selflessly working to demand these changes. The answer is simple: Because we can.