Where Man Is King

In Wellington, New Zealand, a deranged, runaway SUV, unhappy with life, distraught and humiliated by criticism of its appetite and size, and unable to afford therapy because of the high price of gasoline, went berserk and crashed itself into a man’s most hallowed space — his toilet.

While he was on it!

This is a violation too far, this unwarranted attack on a man’s sacred place, the Mecca of his personal life, where he reads the sports pages and contemplates the lousy day awaiting him while experiencing the blessed relief of elimination. Nowhere else in the world does such a place exist. Only in the man’s toilet, on his throne.

The attack seems to have been impulsive as investigators found no evidence that the SUV was stalking the man or his toilet. News of the terrible act by this sick, twisted SUV raced through the motor world and shocked high mileage cars everywhere.

“It’s an epidemic,” said a local Prius, who wished his VIN number to remain anonymous for fear of a retaliatory fender bender. “Frankly, I’m scared,” it added.

We are hearing more and more stories of rogue SUV’s every day and the situation only seems to be getting worse — SUV’s crashing into precious trees, driving willy-nilly into crowds, causing accidents on the highways, disrupting chamber music concerts, cheating tourists at three card monte and using their muscle to extract late payments owed to loansharks. Kneecaps are no longer accomplished with the Louisville Slugger; an SUV bumper does a much better job.

The SUV of the desert

The animosity leveled at these noble beasts of human burden has become intolerable for them. It’s as if Arabs turned on the loyal camel after centuries of loyal service. This constant SUV criticism does not fall on deaf engine blocks and the SUV community is disturbed and worried about the impact this toilet destruction will have on their already tense and sensitive kingines. Many fear another Bethesda Incident, when sixteen seemingly healthy SUV’s committed suicide, depressed by their abysmal mileage standards.

“Despite their size and seemingly indestructible demeanor, SUV’s are sensitive and aware of the world’s problems,” said noted SUVologist, Dr. Helen Zimmer, whose practice is exclusively with disturbed SUV’s. “SUVs are not sick. They are misunderstood,” she said from her attractive office in Edizio & Son’s Body Shop. “They wonder why Crown Vics, Mercedes and other gas guzzlers aren’t also targets of environmentalist approbation and they’re hurt by it. Singling them out like this is very bad for their transmissions and it eventually throws them out of whack. Once that happens, look out.”

VIN837048408198736298733JRS, a retired SUV who is the SpokesVehicle for the SUV Anti-Defamation League, is leading a campaign to make attacks on SUV’s, whether verbal or physical, hate crimes. Barring that, it wants all reports of SUV aberrant behavior muffled before SUV’s everywhere become enraged at being the sole targets of environmentalist bile.

“We’re at a critical point in the health of SUV’s,” said VIN837048408198736298733JRS, “and it will only get worse,” it added with an ominous rev of his old engine — “nine miles a gallon and proud of it,” it adds, as it drives on.