August 11, 2008
FAVRE TRADE AN ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER
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Spokespeople from several environmental organizations have condemned the Bret Favre trade to the New York Jets as being ecologically callous and a slap in the face to anyone who cares about the planet.
“The carbon footprint this trade has made and will continue to make is more destructive to the earth than A-Rod’s trade to the Yankees,” said Shepherd Earth-Steward, founder of Go Green Or Rot In Hell, an environmental group that monitors the environmental impact of trades made in professional sports. Earth-Steward, a former failed shortstop was inspired to create his organization from his experiences on the field. “If I couldn’t stop balls from going into the outfield, I could stop the outfield from turning brown.”
“Few people consider the impact sports trades make on the atmosphere,” said Earth-Steward, whose real name is Reggie Arnsbruck. “The carbon emissions released by the flood of media vehicles alone, and the excessive breathing and panting of fans and sports writers and bloggers as they anxiously awaited the outcome of the trade threw the organization’s CO2 Emitometer gauge off the charts.”
Earth-Steward took a moment to tenderly re-attach a leaf that had fallen from a nearby maple before continuing: “The crowd that gathered at the Packers’ camp also produced an enormous amount of methane which, as you know, is harmful to the atmosphere. “Groups like this don’t eat responsibly and drink excess coffee and beer, which causes them to fart a lot.
“A lot of people are traveling a lot of miles, flying around to get stories [about Favre],” Tampa Bay Bucs Coach Jon Gruden told reporters Saturday from the team’s training camp at Disney’s Wide World of Sports.
“Gruden is exactly right,” said Earth-Steward from his tree-lined office just under a massive redwoood.
“This is not to mention the excessive plane trips from Mississippi to Green Bay, the many trips made by Favre’s agents, Favre’s jet to New York with his family — who’ll have to be flown BACK, by the way, and the anticipated driving and flying to New York by Wisconsin Favrnatics who want to see their hero play.
Earth-Steward explains that the overwhelming media coverage as the sports world follows Farve’s every move and the dim possibility that he might give the Jets a winning season will be ruinous to the planet. “This trade will leave a carbon footprint twice the size of Al Gore’s ass,” he said. This is a Lambeau leap into planetary destruction.”
Earth-Steward’s organization is petitioning the NFL not to allow trades between teams in different time zones or pay an enormous carbon tax and a first round draft pick. A trade from the Raiders to the Patriots, for example, would cost the Raiders three million dollars and a first rounder. Trades between teams in the same division would pay much less, with some exceptions like the Giants and Cowboys.
The NFL says that they have taken Earth-Steward’s petition under advisement while Earth-Steward himself is under a doctor’s care.
