After deliberating for eight months, the world’s legal meisters have summoned Paris Hilton and Rosie O’Donnell to Nuremberg to be tried for sex crimes against humanity.

“The damage Ms. Hilton has caused this time-honored, hallowed and extremely enjoyable activity in or out of marriage is irreparable,” said Piers Longar, the Swedish chief justice, speaking on behalf of the panel assembled to examine the evidence. “Hilton’s behavior over the years has given sex a bad name,” says Harry Exline, a recovering Hilton groupie, adding “It’s about time she was brought to sexual justice.”

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Instead, get this.

What we get

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair. We’re a bigger country, hornier and can appreciate beauty more than the Italians, who’re surrounded by it every day … except for those ladies with the mustaches.

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How much suspension of disbelief is an audience expected to endure to appreciate any movie? This one had too many and most of them were jaw-droppers.

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Lots of betting among my friends in the week leading up to the Super Bowl. Smart money was on the Colts, but some of my pals defied conventional wisdom the way teenagers avoid speaking in full sentences. Their money went to the Bears and for the first half of the first quarter, it looked like a good bet.

Everybody said they were crazy. The Colts were a sure thing, but the truth in sports is a sure thing except maybe that the Detroit Lions will continue to get worse as long as Matt Millen is at the helm.

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Barbaro’s grieving friends and relatives gathered bravely outside Barbaro’s stable anxiously awaiting the life or death verdict of the team of international veterinarians tending the ailing stallion. Their stoic demeanor collapsed into a stream of tears when one of the vets exited the stable and accidentally kicked over Barbaro’s oatbucket. It was an ironic metaphor that would describe his decision – thumbs down for this great piece of horseflesh.

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