Report From Canada: March 2, 2002

Perhaps Prime Minister Jean Chretien was right when he originally balked at sending 2000 Canadians and various military equipment to Afghanistan, saying that he didn’t want to send his troops “where they’re not wanted.” Then again, perhaps someone should inform Mr. Chretien that the the military is supposed to go where they’re not wanted. Otherwise they’d be tourists.

The single-minded Chretien then added that he wanted Canada to bring “peace and happiness” to countries his troops were assigned to, again missing the point of military intervention.

Notwithstanding that Canada has commercial ferries that go faster than their military submarines, and that the Weather Channel has more helicopters than their Air Force, Chretien finally agreed to send the 101st Canadian Peace and Happiness Battalion to Kabul. However, Afghans themselves have recently said they preferred their own troops rather than the welcoming the Canadians. They don’t know what they’re missing.

The 101st Canadian Peace and Happiness Battalion is comprised of veteran mimes and clowns who were trained in theaters and street corners across Canada. They braved the weather and jaded, disinterested passers-by and frustrated Mapleleaf fans to carry out their distorted vision of entertainment. “These troops are tough and can bring peace and happiness with the best of them,” said Chretien’s military choreographer, Guy Swiftly.

To insure modern warfare happiness, the 101st has eschewed the obsolete pantomime offerings like Walking Against The Wind, Climbing The Ladder and Crossing The Street. Instead, these hardened soldiers will be armed with specially devised comedy combat weapons, routines like Falling On The Grenade, Getting Lost In A Cave, Being Shot By A Sniper and the perennial Giving The Terrorist A Canadian Passport.

As for equipment, Canadians are sending their two hilarious long range Aurora Patrol Aircraft, which are able to cover distances as vast as that between New York and New Jersey without refueling. Also included in Canada’s Peace and Happiness offensive are three C-130 Hercules transports, so peaceful that they hardly make any noise sitting on the tarmac, awaiting the repair parts Canada can’t afford to send.

Joining the U.S. and British commandos will be Canada’s JFT-2 Special Forces Unit. These elite peace specialists of the 101st are all children of hippies and Americans who fled to Canada to protest Vietnam, allowing a lucky minority person to get drafted and killed in his place. “These troops know where to put the flowers, alright,” said Chretien, proudly showing training film of a JFT-2 squad tossing daisy stems into rifle barrels from a distance of one meter with incredible accuracy.

We can all rest easier knowing that the Canadians have stuck their two cents into the military mix and can only hope that upon their return, they’ll bring the results of their efforts to improve what passes for “happiness” on Canadian television.

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