St. Barack Of Ward 42

In a stunning announcement, Pope Benedict has declared that he will make Barack Obama a saint, glorifying this clean, articulate young President as the Church’s two thousandth six hundred and forty-first saint and the only one sanctified while still alive.

His official canonical designation will be St. Barack Of Ward 42. The Vatican’s holy people are consulting with the President’s holy people to determine what he’ll be saint of. Current speculation is that he will be named the Patron Saint of Celebrities, Koolaid and Teleprompters.

Pope Benedict first learned about Obama’s saintly qualities when rumors of his miraculous effect on people began to emerge after his trip to Europe.

“These were indeed wondrous stories of transformations,” said Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Annuncio Proclamma. “People in his presence came away in ecstasy, their minds clouded with ardor and blankness.” He added, “few people have the holiness to cloud men’s minds. Only The Shadow did that.”

Others were so frenzied they endlessly repeated his name, often speaking it in tongues — Obama, Ojamba, Jamabun, Mabamba, Balloona, Ombajaba, Pahjamah, Behnihanah, Cinnabonna, Kakadoodie, Bubonah, Kokomomah, Peckinpaba, Cahwahbonga and Jub. It was wondrous to hear the babble of his followers.

Soon after the initial reports of Obama’s fervent hold on the blank minded, stories of individual miracles began to emerge. Gunnar Schmidt of Munich said that after Obama walked past Schmidt’s Mercedes, the car started getting sixty-three miles to the litre — in city traffic. A woman who requested anonymity claimed that after fifteen years of being unable to bear children, she now liked them a lot. She plans to open a day care center in her village.

The Papal Investigatory team learned that during Obama’s campaign in the United States, an Iowa resident named Billy Winthrop said that after he shook hands with Obama, he received a medical bill for only fifty dollars for his recent two year treatment and hospitalization for thyroid cancer. “It was because I touched Obama,” said Winthrop. “He almost makes me want to get another serious disease.”

And there were countless reports of automobile tires self-inflating to their proper pressure, even the tires still on the store shelves. Also, several women reported that after gazing upon Obama, their hymens were restored.

The Vatican then began an investigation of Obama’s life and discovered his deep spirituality and good works in distributing flyers among the poor as an organizer in Chicago’s 42nd Ward, shepherding the faithful into the Democrat fold. Many there remember him as the holiest and cutest of all the distributors, commenting on his resemblance to Harry Belafonte, whose sainthood, along with that of Alan Alda, is still under consideration by the Church.

Most importantly, the Church discovered Obama’s twenty years of Sunday spiritual sacrifices listening to the rantings of a demented pastor, a burden he undertook as penance for all our sins. Said a Vatican spokesperson, “Only those infused with the Holy Spirit could have endured those weekly sermons and come away without having heard a word of them. Surely God was protecting this young angel for the great work He has intended for him.”

Faithful worshipers of soon-to-be Saint Barack are anticipating even more changes in their lives than he promised as President. They feel that a living saint will continue to perform more miracles than a dead one. There is a strong belief that the recent drop in gas prices was a result of Obama miraculously turning windfall profit taxes into oil.

Obama accolytes believe that their morgtages will be paid and that jobs will multiply like loaves and fishes. Others will be able to buy houses without jobs. So has all that and more been written in the prophesies of Psalm Emmanuel.

Obama’s millions of followers have felt the rapture and are yearning for the end times of his presidency, when automobiles shall rise in everyone’s garage, college tuitions will be paid, unions will flourish and food stamps will flood their mailboxes. And so they continue to pray in the Obama’s Church of Divine Government.

If the Pope says so, President Obama surely deserves sainthood. It’s almost enough to make me believe in the other end times and hope Jesus snatches me up before it’s too late.

Comments(3)