June 3, 2006
Colorado Rockies going Christian
In a remarkable article from Wednesday’s USA Today, the Colorado Rockies went public with the news that the organization has been explicitly looking for players with “character.” And according to the Tribe of Coors, “character” means accepting Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.
This isn’t idle talk. The team will also change how they play the game, making it more in keeping with Christian principles.
There will be greater emphasis on ’saves’ and starting pitchers will only be allowed to work two or three innings before being yanked for someone to come in and save the game. Offensively, it will be preferred that RBI’s be driven in not with hits, but sacrifice flies.
No stealing. Bases will be earned, not stolen.
Pitching staff will be comprised only of right handers since mythically and traditionally, the left has been the side of the devil. Obviously, only right handed hitters will play. Switch hitters are frowned upon. One can’t swing both ways on a Christian team.
Hitters cannot lie, even by omission. They will correct umpires if a ball or strike is erroniously called in their favor, i.e., when the hitter knows the ball was a strike or the strike a ball. The pitcher is mandated to exercise the same cautions.
All singles must be accompanied by a chaperone, to keep them from stretching themselves into doubles. Likewise doubles can’t stretch into triples and triples are just disgusting sexual combinations. Triple plays, however, are a symbol of the Holy Trinity and the team can’t have enough of them.
No foul balls. Hitters must only hit fair balls. Foul balls are by definition, unfair; and unfairness will not be tolerated by any Christian.
No hit and runs. They are clearly against the law in every state and will not be tolerated.
The team will tithe. One tenth of all runs scored will be donated to needy offensive teams.
No errors. Errors are like sins. However, players who commit errors can repent and be forgiven by the manager, who loves the error maker even though he hates the error. If someone commits too many errors, they will be re-evaluated as to his committment to Christianity.
The team has a shrine to the ‘69 Miracle Mets, whose World Series Championship win that year could only have come from the intervention of the divine. The Rockies are hoping the Lord will see fit to bestow upon them the same Benificence.
Coors will still cost six fifty at the refreshment stands.
