In an effort to attract more voters and stem Hillary’s drop in the polls, the Clinton Campaign has launched the Authenticity Project, events and photo-ops that Hillary could shamelessly exploit to come across as genuine and not the lying, treacherous, two-legged, pants-suited creature that she is. That’s when Bill surprised everyone, stood up and valiantly volunteered to die. “Nothing unites people more than a death in someone’s family,” he said. “Besides, she gave up her life so I could become president and now it’s time I did the same for her.”
Hillary spokesperson and spin shill, Huma Abedin, wife of noted penis portraiturist, Anthony Weiner, said “the impact of Bill’s death will ripple a wave of sympathy across the electorate and evoke powerful, human voter reactions like “Poor thing,” “How horrible,” “I’m so sorry for her” and other sympathetic platitudes everyone can identify with, even the racist, sexist pigs of the Republican Party. After all,” continued Abedin, “they’ve lost husbands, fathers and sons just like us decent, forward joking progressives. And good riddance!” After much discussion Hillary and her staff agreed that Bill’s death was more exploitable than a Chelsea miscarriage – the Grandma Factor and all, but the grandma demographic isn’t large enough to tilt the vote. But the possibility is still on the table.
The discussion then turned to “when?” Extravagantly paid psychological consultants were hired by the Clinton Foundation, through a shell company chartered by a Dubai charity for The Very Sick Children’s International Trust, funded by The American Grout Initiative, a subsidiary of Dave’s Laundromat Money Collective on loan from Skip Trace, Inc., which found discretionary funds in the trunk an anonymous super pac’s car. Their computer models have shown that any wave of morbid good will has a very short shelf life. Bill needs to kick the bucket no earlier that forty-eight hours before election day, the optimum window of electoral vulnerability. That’s when Hillary Haters will let down their political guard, go with their hearts and trigger the so-called “Poor Thing” vote before they come to their senses and go home to cry.
The method for Bill’s death provoked heated discussion. “Kill Bill” expert Quentin Tarantino offered to devise a satisfactory death, but he demanded free rein over the production and final cut. “Thanks but no thanks” said Abedin. “We’re looking for something more Hitchcockian, cool and subtle, surprising but low key.” The staff finally concluded that an accidental fall down a long set of marble stairs with sharp edges, presumably caused when he stepped on his own untied shoelace, would fit the bill. (Sorry about that!) Hillary, however, rejected the idea outright and insisted that Bill’s dominant personality will simply order himself to die.
Once settled, the staff turned to other events Hillary could shamelessly exploit to firm up the Authenticity Project. News of a puppy that was hit by a car was called in, a promising possibility that the staff is investigating. More on that in another story.