Let Them Eat Biofuel

Who Should Go There?

Observers of recent food riots have wondering who’ll be the environmental Marie Antoinette when the hyper-emotional, carbon footprint panic bites the asses of the global warmer community and a hungry public stands there with bloated bellies, scratching their mosquito-enclircled heads and wondering, “What the f**k?”

When the hungry people of the world become, uh, fed up, with the high cost of food, when they can’t buy enough food even if they have money to buy it and when they’re starving because there’s not enough food to be had, whose head should they chop off?

My pick — Al Gore, with Laurie David standing in the cutter’s deck.

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Where Man Is King

In Wellington, New Zealand, a deranged, runaway SUV, unhappy with life, distraught and humiliated by criticism of its appetite and size, and unable to afford therapy because of the high price of gasoline, went berserk and crashed itself into a man’s most hallowed space — his toilet.

While he was on it!

This is a violation too far, this unwarranted attack on a man’s sacred place, the Mecca of his personal life, where he reads the sports pages and contemplates the lousy day awaiting him while experiencing the blessed relief of elimination. Nowhere else in the world does such a place exist. Only in the man’s toilet, on his throne.

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In a sacrificial gesture to save the planet, Marilou Rotinsky of Berkeley, California, a luggage psychic, underwent surgery last week to have her anus and vagina sewn shut so that her natural bodily waste products wouldn’t contaminate the earth. “I am supporting the environmental movement by eliminating my own movements,” Ms. Rotinsky said ironically, managing a small smile though in considerable pain from the digested food accumulating inside her one hundred twenty pound body.

Ms. Rotinsky was inspired by Toni Vernelli, an Englishwoman who had herself sterilized to protect the planet. In a London Daily Mail article, Ms. Vernelli is quoted as saying that “Having children is selfish. It’s all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet. Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population.”

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A recent editorial in our local newspaper, the Durham Herald-Sun, titled Rocking For the Earth, has pushed me to the tipping point, which is the fancy way of saying “I’m fed up,” fed up with editorials, politicians, government, pundits, the U.N. and assorted global warmists haranguing me to change my carbon emitting ways.

Get off my back, please.

While the editorial rightly, but only lightly, observed the preposterous irony of the excessive energy output of Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts as pleas to reduce carbon emissions, it concluded by saying that “everyday people [need] to make adjustments in their personal lives and demand action from their governments.”

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Distressed gerbil seeking relief

Environmentalist alarms were supported by a scientific paper released by renowned Professor Isador Gogol of the Icelandic Oceanographic and Net Fishing Institute. The newly published scientific document concludes that the mean body temperature of the earth’s gerbils is rising at an alarming rate, all because of the planet’s greenhouse effect. Gogol’s greenhouse global gerbil warming warning paper, which was released to coincide with this year’s Earth Day misery meetings, April 22nd, predicts dire consequences for the future of the planet as a result. Something must be done, perhaps an offset program of some kind.

“We must start educating the world on gerbil warming now,” shrieked Professor Gogol, who is the great grandson of the Russian writer and herring afficianado, Nicolai Golgol. He goes on to say that the planet will be doomed if gerbils can’t cool off by 2175 or next year.

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SUV Suicide Leader

Sixteen SUV’s committed suicide in Bethesda, Maryland yesterday overcome with guilt because their gas mileage was over the recommended levels needed to save the planet. Among the gas guzzling behemoths that plunged to their tragic deaths over Waland’s Cliff was an Audi Q7, a Cadillac Escalade, two Toyota 4Runners, a Land Rover, Hummer, Ford Explorer and a Mercedes GL-class. The remaining brand names are being withheld pending notification of their owners.

“They just had enough,” sighed Bill Mendez, owner of the rogue Wrangler that organized and led the other SUV’s to their deaths. “They felt the resentment and hate directed towards them by the environmentalists. I was afraid to leave my vehicle alone in parking lots for fear of bullying from low mileage cars and hybrids. And the irony is, my Hummer supported Kyoto.”

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Concerned parents and doctors are experimenting with a new program to help at risk eaters reduce rising weight levels – obesity offsets. “People are getting fatter,” said Doctor Weiland Wagner, a concerned scientist, parent and doctor who has scientifically noted an alarming rise in CL, corpulence levels, on Maury Povich and Jerry Springer.

Obesity offsets work

Patterned after the carbon offset program environmentalists created to justify living in a way they don’t want the rest of us to live, obesity offsets will allow a person to eat all he or she wants while his offset makes someone else fat. The goal is to reduce global eating, of which the United States is the major culprit, according to rotundists, who’ve been campaigning people to reduce their calorie intake.

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I was in Pittsboro last week and dropped in at a local establishment for breakfast and a cup of coffee.

And what a cup of coffee it was! A sign at the self-serve dispenser informed me that it was relevant coffee. Imagine that! And as if relevance wasn’t enough, the sign also said that the coffee was “important,” “socially aware” and “part of the solution.”

Wow! This sure was a life-changing brew. I was humbled in the presence of such a benevolent beverage and felt a sudden wave of shame for having enjoyed the coffee at my usual hangouts, Panera and The Shade Tree, whose coffees make no such socially important claims.

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