Fluffy the Easter Bunny
We are coming to the end of another Easter season and the politically correct, leftist, Godless crowd known as progressive leftists (or something) are out in full force. And it’s not Islamists who’re making a fuss in Dearborn, Michigan.
So much tradition has been associated with Easter, the holiday that defines the Catholic Church. We have Easter bonnets, Easter Seals, Easter Sunday, Easter baskets & cards, the great MGM film The Easter Parade — movie and song (written by a Jew, the great American, Irving Berlin.) He gets it and he wasn’t even born here.
A few years ago, a victim of the predatory, secular left was the Easter bunny. See, these people have nothing in their lives except to stick their whiny buckets into their reservoir of complaint and come up with something else to piss people off. Since 2007, they’ve been trying to replace the Easter Bunny with the Spring bunny because the Easter Bunny might offend some people. Easter eggs have been redesigned as “spring spheres.” You can find dead Easter bunnies in Walnut Creek, Ca., St. Paul, Minn and the Shops in Plano, Texas, where the Easter holiday is now the Spring holiday. More Easter bunny deaths are expected.
These holiday name changes are getting harder to keep track of than all the places renamed after Martin Luther King.
It will take awhile before people start calling this furry little rodent the Spring Bunny when Easter time rolls around. First, the President will have to change the name of it’s traditional White House egg hunt on their lawn to the Spring Egg Hunt or the Holiday Egg Hunt. The former name is preferable so as not to confuse this holiday with the holiday we hold in December.
Johnny Manziel Suicide Story
Despondent after his dismal debut against the Bengals, Cleveland’s much heralded quarterback, Johnny Manziel, couldn’t shake his depression and wrote a suicide note. When finished, he left his home and went to Cleveland’s Euclid Avenue and stood in a bus kiosk with several extremely disappointed Clevelanders.
As a bus approached, Manziel took a deep breath, and threw himself in front it …. but missed. He landed on the far side of the bus as it passed.. His tremendous athletic ability got him out of trouble. Again! Of course, Manziel , didn’t consider it trouble, just a temporary setback.
Still determined to end it all, he walked down the busy street and took a cyanide pill out of his pocket. Ever the showman, Manziel chose not to just swallow it. Instead, he tossed it up, opened his mouth and waited for the pill to drop into it. However, a passer-by, Marvin Lester, intercepted the pill before it reached his open lips. “Hey, Johnny,” said Marvin, who later explained that he was just passing by, “fast hands, huh?” Lester claimed he saw the opportunity and took it, asking Manziel to get him a tryout as a Browns cornerback.
Manziel continued and contemplated alternatives. He walked along South Roadway and came upon the the Sailors and Soldiers Monument. Pretty tall. It should do the trick. He ran toward it with the intention of climbing it and then throwing himself, head first, into the concrete below. Even if he got a concussion, so what!? As he ran to the statue, a troop of Boy Scouts on a park tour were so excited to see Johnny Football, they swarmed him and in the hubbub, he was thrown to the ground. A sack! He graciously signed autographs all for them and wrote on each one, “This will be a collector’s item by the end of the day. You wait and see.”
St. Barack Of Ward 42
In a stunning announcement, Pope Francis has declared that he will make Barack Obama a saint, glorifying this clean, articulate young President as the Church’s two thousandth six hundred and forty-first saint and the only one sanctified while still alive.
His official canonical designation will be St. Barack Of Ward 42. The Vatican’s holy people are consulting with the President’s holy people to determine what he’ll be saint of. Current speculation is that he will be named the Patron Saint of Celebrities.
Pope Francis first learned about Obama’s saintly qualities some years ago when rumors of his miraculous effect on people began to emerge after his trip to Europe.
“These were indeed wondrous stories of transformations,” said Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Annuncio Proclamma. “People in his presence came away in ecstasy, their minds clouded with ardor and blankness.” He added, “few people have the holiness to cloud men’s minds. Only The Shadow did that.”
Others were so frenzied they endlessly repeated the name Obama, often speaking it in tongues — Obama, Ojamba, Jamabun, Mabamba, Balloona, Ombajaba, Pahjamah, Behnihanah, Cinnabonna, Kakadoodie, Bubonah, Kokomomah, Peckinpaba, Cahwahbonga and Jub. It was wondrous to hear the babble of his followers.
Soon after the initial reports of Obama’s fervent hold on the blank minded, stories of individual miracles began to emerge. Gunnar Schmidt of Munich said that after Obama walked past Schmidt’s Mercedes, the car started getting sixty-three miles to the litre — in city traffic. A woman who requested anonymity claimed that after fifteen years of being unable to bear children, she now likes them a lot. She plans to open a day care center in her village.
Please Take Me Home
Went missing January 6, 2008
Eighteen by twenty four inches, beige with black impressions. Probably armed, but not violent.
Last seen in White House January 5, 2008 by George W. Bush.
Last person in its possession calls himself Barack H. Obama, a Progressivist who considers the document an inconvenient obstacle to his goal of transforming the country to Socialism.
The document is being daily abused by its abductors. Calls for media coverage and investigation have fallen on deaf ears.
If not found on November 6, it will be dead in four years.
If you know the whereabouts of this document, please contact Romney Headquarters.
They’ll know how to get it back.
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Hide the Stink
Valerie Jarrett, the Obama Administration’s Dick Cheney³ , has told Obama operatives that PANDERS is the official diaper of the Obama administration and urges all Democrats and Progressives to use them at will. They can be dispensed at town hall meetings, mall openings, meet-and-greets and, of course, on the campaign trail, where Obama B.S. has become too great for shovel ready disposal.
Obama PANDERS will also come in two boxes: Red and Blue. The Blue box will target the blue states to keep them in the Obama B.S. corral, while the heavy duty Red box will be used in Red states. These will be very powerful Panders, although they haven’t yet been tested on voters who are actually paying attention to the country’s troubles.
PANDERS will come in separate pander poop absorbencies for gays, women, Hispanics, African Americans, students, the disabled, unions, the unemployed (except for white men), native Americans, Asians, environmentalists, the jobless, underwater home owners and, of course, the largest constituency of all – morons.
Smell the Win
Win the Smell
Pander poop absorbency levels are determined by complex algorhythms utilizing vectors of each groups’ susceptibility quotient, I.Q, previous pander impact, cynicism velocipede and a very secret ingredient provided by Al Gore, who invented algorhythms, along with the Internet and Man Made Global Warming.
Low poop absorbency PANDERS are expected to be used for those who still intend to vote for Obama despite impending economic Armageddon, high rates of unemployment, foreclosures, bankruptcies and sixteen trillion in debt, will get the light B.S. absorbency PANDER because little pandering needs to be done to win their votes. They’re Pandered up. A similar B.S. absorbency PANDER will be used in the African American community for similar reasons. They have already absorbed the Obama.
On this Martin Luther King day, we at the Rename-Everything-To-Martin-Luther-King-Institute are at a crossroads. It has come to our attention that a school in Hempstead, NY, has renamed itself Obama Elementary. Already! And he doesn’t even have a library yet.
We must meet this renaming challenge before it escalates or we will wake up one morning and discover that everything has been renamed after Obama and not Martin Luther King. We have been working hard to fight these changes and urge you all to re-double your efforts.
We are proud to announce on this Martin Luther King Day that we have added another seven hundred and forty two buildings, government agencies, monuments, charities, scholarships, parkways, roads, streets, highways, circles, drives and one traffic loop after this great man, beating the record for names changed in honor of JFK.
Since his tragic death, we have managed twelve thousand MLK name changes in the country. Each year brings us closer to our goal of re-naming everything in America in Reverend King’s honor.
Next week begins our campaign to rename the month of January after the Reverend. Martin Luther King day will then be appropriately celebrated on the third Monday of every Martin Luther King. While we’re on the calendar, we will continue efforts to rename the number four and Friday to Martin Luther King. When this is accomplished, all remaining Americans will be celebrating Independence Day on July Martin Luther Kingth, and the three-day holiday weekend will begin late Thursday or early Martin Luther Kingday and end on Sunday. The restaurant chain, T.G.I.F., is lobbying strenuously against this, saying that it doesn’t make sense for people to say “Thank God It’s Martin Luther Kingday” at the end of a hard work week. Excuse us, but we think it does.
Stay Here Free
Insiders in the White House tell us that President Obama will launch a major pandering offensive at the Democrat Convention. He will start by asking for legislation for Universal Hotel Care. The plan will be ambitious and costly, but it will be deficit neutral, and paid for by magic. David Copperfield is being considered as the Magic Czar but we’re told he said that even he can’t make something out of nothing.
This single-payer hotel care bill would guarantee every American an affordable hotel room or suite in any city in the United States, with no co-pay. This is the latest piece of the puzzle of cradle to grave government care.
Those who have read the speech on the President’s teleprompter say it is eloquent and has all the proper punctuation. In it, the teleprompter asks poses the question – “Why should any citizen of this great country have to stay with friends or family on their travels because they can’t afford a decent hotel room?” The prompter then continues with another query — “Why should a hard-working American have to crash in someone’s living room or pump up an airbed in the basement of an acquaintance’s house because a hotel room would crash their budget?”
The prompter cited the horrific stories of families having to wait in line to use their host’s bathrooms. Some have been put through the hardship of having to make their beds before breakfast. Others have told of being in guest rooms without a television, or a television that wasn’t cable ready. And the complaints of missing remotes are heartbreaking as house guests had to get out of bed and change channels by hand. This great country cannot tolerate the abuse of guests in this fashion.
Down They All Go
No, not Flushing, New York, the city in Queens where my beloved New York Mets play. I’m talking about flushing, the verb.
It’s my proposal for a constitutional amendment mandating a total flushing from the Washington beltway all politicians, lobbyists, journalists and correspondents every sixteen years — the Flushteenth Amendment.
We have witnessed members of both parties ignoring the wishes and needs of the people and are instead marching to the drummer of their own re-election and party ideology.
The travesty of a health care bill being written in the secrecy of a senate cloakroom, like homosexuals of past decades frightened to admit their sexuality.
Beltway politicians have become a political elite answerable only to themselves, their cocktail-party invites, talk show friends and their re-election hopes. They could give a shit less about the people who sent them there.
Just get rid of them all. Pull the chain and suck every one of the worthless polluters down and out the beltway drain. We then start fresh with a clean bowl of eager congressmen, senators and the assorted cronies-in-waiting that gravitate towards all power bases. When the area becomes dirty with their eventual wicked waste matter, flush them out again. Remove the safety net of incumbency.
Why is this good and why do we need it? I’m glad you asked.
In most seats of power, a local town hall or a national capitol, it doesn’t take long for decay, depravity, toadyism, mutual hand washing, ass-kissing and favoritism to leave their lethal little droppings. It’s inevitable and we should be mature enough to expect it. We can only hope that before the sixteen years are up, the governmental porcelain container doesn’t get too dirty with, well, with the stuff that makes such containers dirty.
The most ubiquitous Don’t
The political climate is very caustic and negative these days and I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re essentially a negative society. We’re governed by negatives, in particular the word “Don’t.”
Why is that? Don’t ask me! All I know is that don’ts are all over the place. Don’t litter, don’t loiter, don’t walk on the grass, don’t spit, don’t talk, don’t tailgate, don’t cross on the red, don’t use near an open flame and don’t drink and drive . Then there’s don’t enter and don’t exit. The don’ts got you coming and going.
It’s been that way since the beginning of our country and I suspect it might be in our national DNA. The Pilgrims came here from England because people kept telling them, “Don’t pray like that.” And some anonymous Pilgrim got up and said, “Don’t take that from them.” So they left, and you can bet that when the Mayflower set sail relatives on the pier were yelling “Don’t forget to write”. and “Don’t be a stranger.”
Then, when the colonies were just little colonettes the first flag was negative — “Don’t tread on me,” which was the inspiration for Elvis’ hit single, “Don’t Step On My Blue Suede Shoes.”
Our soldiers at Lexington and Concord were told “Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes,” and in the War of 1812 sailors of the Chesapeake heard their wounded captain say “Don’t give up the ship,” which became the Navy’s valiant motto. How our military went from that to “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is beyond me. Don’t have a clue.
Judge Vaughn Walker overturned Proposition 8 the other day under the irrefutable Constitutional argument that gay marriages are better than traditional marriage.
I’m all for it. Love and marriage. Boys, girls, pets, plants, toasters — If you love it, you should be able to marry it.
Same sex Boys
Same sex Girls
Personally I do not think anyone should ever pass laws against same sex marriage. Legislators would have better luck with a ban against “no sex” marriage. If you get married you have to have sex. It’s the law.
As to the same sex situation, I don’t think the legislators or the court have gone far enough.
A fairly rational argument against same sex marriage can be found on the slippery slope, i.e., if we change marriage to mean the joining of two men or two women, why not a woman and a horse, or a man and a donkey?
Slippery slopey speaking, the argument is a logical one. If the man/woman marriage model is the default, allowing two men or two women to marry would change the default. In this case it’s to appease the growing social and political clout of homosexuals. If you change marriage for them, the reasoning goes, who’s to say we won’t be pressured into changing it for people who want to love their animals in the biblical sense , provide them health benefits or give Fido power of attorney?
Will not marry
While the logic works, the reality is too absurd to take seriously. Even die-hard evangelicals don’t think marriage would be extended to include animals, except maybe those snake handlers in Georgia.
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Well, Arizona has given us the latest twist in our national illegal immigration problem. It seems that people of all stripes are pressing the hispanic button.
My solution is fairly straight forward. Progressive liberals (or whatever they’re calling themselves these days), many of whom who love the idea of diversity but can’t stand actually being next to it, need to step up to the plate. Most of you don’t live in an Hispanic neighborhood, you don’t send your kids to schools with large Hispanic or black students, you just want the rest of us to do that so you can assuage your guilt for being white and successful.
Okay, Libs, I get that, and in a perverse way I suppose it says something nice about you. But the thing about guilt is that its price should be paid by the guilty, not by other people. If you feel guilty for, say, a crime you committed, do you want someone else to go to jail for it? Of course not.
Well, maybe you do.
So, if people and companies with a few extra bucks can adopt a highway, why not use the same program to adopt an Hispanic?
Not just any Hispanic. I mean any illegal Hispanic living in the States who finds himself in need of a taxpayer funded service of any kind — schooling, hospitalization, welfare or food stamps. Instead of the financial burden falling on those of us whose parents and grandparents came here legally, a sensitive, liberal, touchy-feely, caring person or family can dig into their savings to provide whatever Government service their adopted illegal might need.