Hillary Clinton gave a shriekingly rousing speech on the campaign trail yesterday announcing a bold legislative plan to provide Universal Hotel Care to every travelling American. The AHCB or the Affordable Hotel Care Bill would guarantee every American an affordable hotel room or suite in any city in the United States, with no co-pay.
“Our spy in the Sanders campaign told us that Bernie was flirting with the same idea so we pre-empted it,” said Huma Abedin, the Good Wife of famed penis portraiturist, Anthony Weiner. “All’s fair in love and politics,” she continued. “We got there first, and Bernie can suck wind.”
In her speech, Hillary screamed out the question “Why should any citizen of this great country have to stay with friends or family because they can’t afford a decent hotel room? Why should a hard-working American have to crash in someone’s living room, or pump up an airbed in an acquaintance’s basement because a hotel room would crash his budget?”
Patterned after the deliriously successful Affordable Care Act, Americans would sign up for Hotel Care Insurance, even if they never travel. If they do travel without being insured, hotel rooms will cost them three times the going rate. Pre-existing travel conditions will be covered with proof of planned family gatherings of any kind.
The Clinton staff coordinated her speech with commercials showing stories of horrific American travel experiences, like families having to wait in line to use their host’s bathrooms and insufficient towels. Another traveler tearfully said she had to make her own bed before breakfast. Others told of guest rooms without a television, or a television that wasn’t cable ready. We then see true but “simulated” scenes of house guests forced to get out of bed to change channels because there were no remotes.
“This great country cannot tolerate such guest abuse,” Hillary yelled. “Research shows that having to be a good guest and submit to the demands of a host is extremely stressful, especially if the host is a hard ass about keeping neat the house that is probably under water. Such stress can lead to major health problems, which Obamacare isn’t set up to deal with. We want all Americans to enjoy unfettered maid and room service, free wake up calls and the opportunity to pilfer those little shampoo bottles and bathrobes. Congress gets that stuff for free all the time. Why shouldn’t every American!?
“We are a transient, mobile people,” shouted the former first lady, after taking a throat lozenge. “In these difficult times,” she continued, “many citizens must move to other cities to find the jobs our current economic policies are now in the process of wiping out. Families are fractured as kids leave home to take up residence in states with lower taxes, an inequity we will fix with executive orders mandating equally high taxes in all states to keep families together.”
Hitting her stride at 92 decibels, Mrs. Clinton gargled and became emotional when she introduced Mindy Ferguson’s parents, who last year had traveled out of state for their daughter’s wedding. “It should have been a joyous occasion,” said Hillary, stifling a sob. “But it wasn’t. Hotel costs were so high that Mindy’s parents had to return home right after the rehearsal dinner. The Fergusons never had the chance to be at their daughter’s wedding and only heard it over an open smartphone. This is tragic.”
Clinton staffers acknowledged that the Universal Hotel Care plan will be costly, but added that it will be deficit neutral and paid for by magic.” David Copperfield was asked to be the Hotel Care Czar but he refused the putative position saying that even he can’t make something out of nothing.