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    Johnny Manziel Failed Suicide Attempts

    Johnny Manziel Suicide Story

        Despondent after his dismal debut against the Bengals, Cleveland’s much heralded quarterback, Johnny Manziel, couldn’t shake his depression      and wrote a suicide note.  When finished, he left his home and went to Cleveland’s Euclid Avenue and stood in a bus kiosk with several extremely disappointed Clevelanders.

    As a bus approached, Manziel took a deep breath, and threw himself in front it …. but missed.  He landed on the far side of the bus as it passed..  His tremendous athletic ability got him out of trouble.  Again!  Of course, Manziel , didn’t consider it trouble, just a temporary setback.

    Still determined to end it all, he walked down the busy street and took a cyanide pill out of his pocket.  Ever the showman, Manziel chose not to just swallow it.  Instead, he tossed it up, opened his mouth and waited for the pill to drop into it.  However, a passer-by, Marvin Lester, intercepted the pill before it reached his open lips.  “Hey, Johnny,” said Marvin, who later explained that he was just passing by, “fast hands, huh?”  Lester claimed he saw the opportunity and took it, asking Manziel to get him a tryout as a Browns cornerback.

    Manziel continued and contemplated alternatives.  He walked along South Roadway and came upon the the Sailors and Soldiers Monument.  Pretty tall.  It should do the trick.  He ran toward it with the intention of climbing it and then throwing himself, head first, into the concrete below.  Even if he got a concussion, so what!?  As he ran to the statue, a troop of Boy Scouts on a park tour were so excited to see Johnny Football, they swarmed him and in the hubbub, he was thrown to the ground.  A sack!  He graciously signed autographs all for them and wrote on each one, “This will be a collector’s item by the end of the day. You wait and see.”

    He continued walking and came to Voinovich Park.  Trees.  He took off the old, antique belt his granfather  had given him, and buckled it around his neck.  He climbed a tree and knotted the other end around a sturdy branch.  When all was ready,  he jumped… and landed on the ground.  The old belt had broken, a quirky case of equipment failure.

    Now really discouraged, he walked until he reached The North Coast Harbor lakefront.   “I’m a lousy swimmer, he thought.  Drowning should be easy.”  So he jumped in and sunk.  Before you could blink an eye, two cops jumped in and rescued him.  They dragged him out, took him to a  table and sat him down.

    He gave up.  Johnny was benched.


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