2008 GIANTS PRE-DRAFT PREDICTIONS
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Some BBI’ers may remember that over the past five years around draft time I miraculously get the power to see images of the future. As a service to my fellow BBI’ers and loyal Giants fans, here are the images I’ve seen of our 2008 draft picks.
Last year, Jerry Reese retired the Ernie Accorsi Memorial Toupee and boldly went into the draft without it even though many thought that Ernie’s rug actually inspired his good picks, while others said it clouded his mind.
An unsuperstitious man with plenty of his own hair, Jerry last year picked a bushel and a peck of picks who immeasurably helped
us win the Super Bowl. Giant fans anticipate the 2008 draft today with enormous trust in Jerry’s keen eye and believe he will find fantastic players in the nooks and crannies of the college football world and get us the football dust bunnies other teams have overlooked.
ROUND ONE: Giant Fan faith in Reese’s ability to find little known players was tested in the first round when he selected linebacker Pulmeionarasum Djamisiowhaximos from the University of QNPSTZY, a school known for its pioneering work in eye charts.
“This pick fills two needs,” said Reese, depth at linebacker and another player with an unpronounceable name.” The front office had heard the reports that Osi and Kiwi were unhappy that they were the only players whose names was regularly mangled by NFL announcers. Reese continued, “For peace in the locker room it’s important that Pulmj … Pumar … Pjam … Pulmones – our first round pick take the pressure off Osi and Kiwi, allowing them to concentrate on football.” Besides, we’d like to see Jack Buck or Marv Alpert try to wrap their lips around this kid’s name on national TV.
In Pulmeionarasum’s country, which is equally difficult to pronounce and also unspellable, his name is an ancient and honored one that means “Go pick some strawberries.” “They’ll be plenty of opportunity for that in New Jersey,” said Reese.
Pulmeinonsarasum is very quick, with great lateral and horizontal movement. He can play both outside and inside, which means he’ll be just as effective in domed stadiums as he will be at home.
ROUND TWO: Reese and company got out their magnifying glass to locate Wartenberg Pinwheel S & M, a Division 6B team in Offramp, North Dakota, where they selected big offensive tackle, Enrico “Ricky” Gonzalez.
Besides being famous for its annual Collegiate Sidewalk Chalk Festival and their R & D department in experimental sex toys, Wartenberg is unique in that it plays in a college division that boasts only one team — Wartenberg Pinwheel. Nevertheless it plays a full twelve season game schedule with itself and never loses. The players enjoy playing with themselves so much and think it creates a unique bonding experience that the Giants feel is Gonzalez is a big mean, ornery kid with the enormous feet associated with this important position.
“Ricky will occupy enormous hunks of real estate at the line of scrimmage with feet that were impressive enough to have merited him a full scholarship to Ringling Brothers Clown College,” said Reese. But he wanted to play football. The all-seeing Giants front office took notice and are seeking bids from companies to start building his shoes. Ricky has incredible measurables and measurable incredibles, along with many intangibles, which we’re just starting to explore.
He has a great bull rush, which he attributes to his summer job experiences rushing bulls in his native Portugal. Leave it to Jerry to find these diamonds in the rough.
ROUND THREE: Here came the moment everyone’s been talking about. What will happen with Jeremy Shockey?
With only three minutes left on the clock, Reese traded popular tight end Jeremy Shockey to New Orleans, who then promptly traded him back. Undisclosed picks were involved, as well as a share in parking concessions. In light of that unusually imaginative deal, there was some controversy as to which team would actually pick at that spot. A coin was flipped and the Giants called it. With the pick, Reese filled shored up the defense with linebacker Rodney Fluffy from perennial powerhouse, Smegma University.
Fluffy plays far from fluffily, has a killer instinct and never slacks off. A negative is that he occasionally falls asleep just before the snap, which Fluffy claims is him just visualizing himself doing his thing.
Coach Coughlin raves about his great measurables as well as his outstanding unmentionables, which are custom made from Fruit Of the Loom. Fluffy has potential as a franchise player, but only when his career is over.
ROUND FOUR: In this round, Reese found someone who could eventually replace Amani Toomer as the number two receiver, John Doe, from Movado State, a college in the Federal Witness Protection Program. Movado State (not its real name) has furnished a number of excellent NFL players whom no one is at liberty to disclose, but six of them are on the Bengals.
Doe (not his real name) is very fluid and has a well-proportioned, muscular frame with tight skin, low body fat, good arm length, tight bubble and nicely shaved legs and thighs, which he’d lathered over the years with a European anti-aging cream that gives him an appealing look that turns scouts on and gets the blood pumping in anticipation of – Oh, wait, that’s another image.
He’s not afraid to go over the middle and makes good cuts. A downside is that he has very small hands for a wide receiver, but that is more than made up with his extra fingers, six on left, seven on the right. “He won’t need a helmet to bring in any ball,” said Tom Coughlin admiringly.
John (not his real name) is quick and fast, runs crisp routes and fills the Giants corporate decision to go green in that his body doesn’t release any carbon dioxide when he breathes. “We want to make a global difference,” said John Mara.
ROUND FIVE: Reese went mainstream to Ohio State University for his fifth round pick and selected defensive tackle, Mordrem Mayhem.
Mayhem, who more than lives up to it, is an outstanding prospect with incredible size that’s been measured at one/fifth of an acre. A very smart kid, he scored a thirty-three on the Wonderlic test. Unfortunately it was the Small Wonderlic Test, which tests a person’s familiarity with the former television series, Small Wonder. Mayhem answered all the questions correctly, even knowing that Alice Ghostley played Edie McClurg’s sister, Ida Mae Bindle, remarkable in that Ida Mae only appeared twice in the three year run of the show.
A left tackle by religion, Mayhem is more than willing to convert to the right side if needed, provided his minister gives him the okay. Very versatile, Mayhem can play out of a three point stance, a four point stance, a two point stance and, thanks to his training in Tai Chi, the Repulse Monkey stance, which is one point.
“It’s rare that one finds an impact player in such a late round,” said Reese, “but Mordrem is definitely an impact player.” Mordrem immediately demonstrated Reese’s faith him when he celebrated being drafted by robbing a 7/11 with several friends. “You can’t make a bigger impact than that,” Reese said when bailing him out.
ROUND SIX – First Pick: The first of the Giants’ two sixth round selections was safety Wong Chang from Combine University, the country’s only school that offers a degree in Combine Drills. Jones, who majored in Bulgarian Squats, caught everyone’s eye with his performance in the three cone drill. Jones more than exceeded the demands of this drill, finishing it in 2.3 seconds. A disbelieving staff had him repeat the drill with more difficult flavors– chocolate and pistachio, and Jones’ numbers were consistently low. “You’ve got to grab a kid who can make it to the ice cream truck in 3.2 seconds,” Reese gushed.
It’s hoped that Chang, who is Chinese, can use his speed to close fast on tight ends and blitz effectively. He’s expected to be used in the nickel or dime packages. “Nickle, dime — doesn’t make any difference to me,” said Jones. “I know how to change American money.”
Coach Coughlin is pleased with his Chang’s measurables, but is a little concerned about his inscrutables, which are more difficult to ascertain.
ROUND SIX — Compensatory pick: Hoping to further fatten up the secondary, Reese selected cornerback DeMarcus DeMarcus. DeMarcus, who was named in honor of his last name, “has great measurables,” said Reese, “as well as good edibles. We like his diet very much.”
DeMarcus has flawless footwork and can quickly change direction, even when he doesn’t have to, a habit he needs to break because it causes him to lose position on his receiver. He has excellent ball skills and has a dismal interception record, if you insist on measuring that stat by the number of balls he’s intercepted.
The Giants think that once he’s dealt with his obsessive compulsive disorder, he’ll be able to actually hold on to pigskin for the time it takes to actually catch the ball.
ROUND SEVEN: By this point, the Giants staff was exhausted and they threw a dart at the value board and came up with tackle Jake Holstein from the University of Phoenix, Online.
Hampered by injuries to his typing hand for most of the season, Holstein nevertheless showed up big in games against Strayer and Kaplan. He packs a strong initial punch at the line of scrimmage, which has resulted in a number of personal foul penalties as well as a number of demolished monitors.
2007 GIANTS PRE-DRAFT PREDICTIONS
A new era in Giants history has begun with Jerry Reese’s first draft as general manager of this storied football franchise. With the retirement of Ernie Accorsi, Reese knows he has big hair to fill and feels he is up to the challenge.
Fearful of leaks and tip-offs as to their intentions, Reese and the Giants maintained such a tight-lipped, close-to-the vest battle plan that when the draft started, no one in Giants Central knew what another guy wanted. “We have many needs,” Reese said before the draft, “corner, safety, linebacker, running back, wide receiver, offensive lineman and another position. We also need several security guards. We’ll try to address our weaknesses, but if a great athlete falls to us in a position where we feel we’re secure, we’ll really be confused.”
Here then, Giants fans, are Reese’s selections for the 2007 draft.
In Round One the Giants selected Okoya Dokussa Mahumba Kwame ‘Nfumo Peterson, the three-hundred and sixty pound sixteen year old defensive lineman from John Adams Middle School in Denton, Ohio. “Okie Dokie,” as he’s called by play-date friends, is the first athlete ever to declare for the NFL before going to college. Or high school, for that matter. “No need,” said Reese. “He’s had a phenomenal middle school career and watched “Friday Night Lights” every week,” said one scout, “so he knows the score.” He single-handedly defeated middle school powerhouses like the St. Michael Beavers, The Parkson Croissants and perennial Denton champions, The Fifth Street Marionettes. The Giants think Okie can start for them and have already hired several baby sitters to see him through his first training camp. The feeling in Giants Central is that Okie is more immovable than Jonas Seawright, and is able to play the entire defensive line at the same time.
In Round Two, Reese got a tip from a police psychic to check out the University of Miasma’s safety, Triumpha Hoopster. Hoopster is an excellent athlete for the position and should fit perfectly into the Giants secondary as he has a nose for the ball, but not the hands. “He’ll always be around the ball,” agreed Reese, “especially when someone else is catching it.” The Giants were intrigued by his off-the-chart measurables, tremendous intanbigles, solid commendables, fabulous numericals, and incredible remarkables. After Giants fans see whether or not he can play football, they’ll be wondering about his tradeables. “There will always be a place for someone with these numbers,” said Reese, “and it could be with the Giants.” Extremely intelligent, Hoopster majored in investigative journalism and is expected to uncover exactly what went on at halftime during last years Giants/Bears game.
In Round Three Reese addressed the left tackle situation. After Luke Pettigout the question was “Diehl or no Diehl?” Only Howie Mandel knew and he wasn’t talking. “We want to be sure that Eli will be fine,” said Coach Tom Coughlin, “and we think that left tackle Blair Bandwidth from Samsonite U. is a fine choice to help keep him fine. A major in high impact luggage, Bandwidth is more than familiar with collision theory and is able to put that to use in dealing with charging defensive players. “They’re no tougher than airport baggage handlers,” says Bandwidth, who has amazing carousel speed. His feet are second to none and has already signed an endorsement deal with Florsheim. Has great quickness and agility but needs to develop a mean streak and is often pancaked at the line of scrimmage because of his natural courtesy. A scout says he has the ability to reach the second level, whatever that means. The Giants just hope he can reach the first.
In Round Four, the Giants picked the little known Robinson JaMeershon’d , who had his first and last name legally switched for dietary reasons. JaMeershon’d was a standout at the University of Ohio, online. He dropped in the draft because he missed most of last season with a hand injury suffered while typing a homework assignment. Otherwise, he plays as good a game of Madden as anyone in the country and is able to translate those skills onto the playing field. He’s projected as a possible corner, a position JaMeershon’d has played with great success. Even though he’s had about five picks off Eli in three Madden seasons, JaMeershon’d thinks that Eli will be fine, as long as he doesn’t throw the ball. JaMeershon’d's name appeared in every BBI mock draft and was mocked in every one, so that should say something about his ability. The knock on him is that he disappears from some games and most practices, a disciplinary problem Coach Coughlin feels can be corrected.
In Round Five, the Giants feel they’ve found the Tiki-type tailback to replace, uh, complement Brandon Jacobs in the backfield. He is Juan Maria Villaneuva, an illegal Guatamalan who has accumulated sixty border crossings without once being caught. “We sent scouts down to checkpoints in Arizona and Texas and nobody can touch this kid,” said Reese. “He’s elusive and makes everybody miss, anticipates guard patrols and is patient.” Roger Marchack, San Diego Minuteman agrees. “Open the tiniest hole, yell “free health care” and he’s through it. I’d like to see any secondary try to grab him. He’s faster than LaDamian.” Nicknamed the Mole, Villaneuva has often burrowed his way into the US underground and there’s nothing in the NFL rules that says he can’t cross the line of scrimmage from below. When informed of his selection, Juan celebrated on both sides of the border and said, “Eli will be fine.”
In Round Six Reese finally addressed the linebacker position and chose Folsom Pen State’s standout, Erroneous Monk, cousin to a former Giant Quincy Monk. Giant fans thought this pick was a mistake. Not especially fast or strong, he’s neither good or talented and has some serious off-field issues. John Mara said it’s about time the Giants changed their philosophy about selecting only players of “good character” and draft a few felons to give the team some bite and ferocity. Monk didn’t disappoint as he ransacked Mara’s office and made off with two laptops and Mara’s play station. He’ll be joining the team after his court appearance in June. Athletically, Monk has the ability to go sideline-to-sideline and is superb in run support. Has problems with child support, however, as he has three kids by four different women.
Some consider the Giants Round Seven pick as the steal of the draft, wide receiver Calvin Muhammed Rice of Adirondack Central, the fishing powerhouse in New York State, another in the long line of Giants wide receiver selections who were injury prone or just plain stupid. All scouts agree that Calvin has great hands and phenomenal speed and would been gone in round one if it weren’t for his knee injuries. However, the Giants crack medical staff has checked him out and pronounced his knees dead on arrival. Still, he has the kind of character and motor the Giants love. “He never gives up,” said an anonymous Giants staffer. “He gets hurt, heals up, goes right back out there and gets hurt again.” The Giants like that kind of tenacity. “We are confident the knee won’t be a problem,” said Reese gleefully. “And our staff assures us that the herniated disks in his spine won’t bother him either, provided he doesn’t bend over to pick something up without using his legs.” Eli will just have to throw high ones to Calvin and leave the ground balls to Shockey.
That’s it, Giants fans. We leave you with one closing thought – “Wait’ll next year.”
2006 GIANTS DRAFT PREDICTIONS
Giants 2006 Draft
Too Early To Tell How Bad It Is
It was learned by our intrepid crystal-baller, John B, aka Montreal Man, that for 2006 the Giants front office had decided to select the player preferences of the draft gurus at Big Blue Interactive, a website devoted to the team and repetitious, meaningless threads. “They’re the most savvy football fans in the country,” said Giants GM, Ernie Accorsi, pulling his hair out of the dryer. “The Giants are on their minds every second of every day, unlike our staff, which takes a two week vacation each year.
Once this deal with the devil was signed in blood, Coach Coughlin excused himself to throw furniture around the Giants complex nd snitch to John Mara, who then fainted. Undaunted, Ernie’s staff assiduously examined BBI choices. They narrowed down the site’s list of Round 1 recommendations and petitioned the NFL for permission to draft all fourteen of them. That petition was rejected and the team was left to flounder on their own.
With linebacker Lavar Arrington signed, the Giants adjusted their needs accordingly. Many BBI’ers feel, however, that the Postons tricked the Giants into signing LaMar Arrington, a completely different player. But BBI undercover agents Gloveone, Eddie Dodd, Dan and Dent assured the site that it was indeed Lavar who signed. In truth, the Postons were peddling LaMar to Mike Millen to further his efforts to destroy the Lions franchise. Luckily, the truth about Lavar was revealed in plenty of time time for Phil in LA to fly to Sedona and cut Big Blue ’56 down from his roof beams.
Even with Lavar on the roster the Giants have many defensive needs, but the bottom line is still protecting their franchise quarterback. The team hired bodyguards in the off-season to keep Eli in the pocket when he goes clubbing or to the K-Mart; they also installed a security system around his house in case some defensive tackle tries to break in and blind side him in the shower. So, with Eli’s welfare in mind, Luke’s back an issue, and Whitfield measuring himself for Depends, the Giants decided that Round 1 should go to an offensive tackle. D’Brick was gone, along with other blue chippers like D’Concrete and D’Stucco. Liking the impenetrable sound of those players’ names, the Giants selected tackle D’Vinyl Siding, from JobSite A & M.
D’vinyl is big and strong, and is expected to maintain his exterior appearance longer than D’Brick and D’Stucco. He’s got quick feet and even quicker hands, as six cheerleaders will testify to in an upcoming trial. He’s mean and nasty and, most important, he has never been called for a false start in four years of college play. His coaches attribute that to his discipline. “He won’t move until the defense begins its charge,” says an unnamed Jobsite staffer. “Fortunately, D’Vinyl has the speed and quickness to get up off his ass in enough time to try to protect the quarterback. We should know as we went through twelve of them.”
In Round 2 Ernie satisfied every BBI’er screaming for defensive help and chose a linebacker. Unable to decide on a Will, a Sam or a Mike, Ernie chose a George, a position that’s still on Tim Lewis’ drawing board, but rumor is that the George will line up somewhere on the bench.
It was a tough decision,” said Ernie. “Some linebackers were more stout but less athletic while others were less athletic but more stout.” Ernie split the difference and went with someone who was neither stout or athletic and that was Jamal Cabal al Kahudi from our U.S. base in Guantanamo, who declared for the draft while being worked out on his waterboard. The Giants had to guarantee that Jamal would always be available for interrogations and the occasional torture. Coach Coughlin assured the government that training camp would be torture enough to reveal whatever secrets Jamal might be hiding. Of concern is that Jamal’s style of play earned him the nickname of “The Nomad.” BBI’ers are concerned that he’ll just pick up where Lavar Arrington left off.
Defense was still on Ernie’s mind in Round 3 as he selected defensive tackle Jelly Roll Marmalada from Oklahoma Culinary and Industrial. Though a pastry major, Jelly Roll plays with the toughness of a sou chef struggling with an orange pecan mustard sauce to top a caramelized salmon filet. “His measurables are off the chart,” said Ernie. “He’s got the tablespoon, teaspoon, cup and pint stuff down cold, and in metric. This kid is a recipe for success,” he added with a sly grin.
Ernie was pleased that he managed to fill a hole in the lineup. “We already have a three technique tackle in William Joseph and a one technique tackle in Damane Duckett, but Jelly Roll is more of a no technique tackle.” Offensive line coach Pat Flaherty squeezed a little smile through his teeth grinding to point out the positives of the pick. “Experienced offensive linemen know what to expect when facing a three and a one technique tackle and we think they’ll be totally clueless facing a no technique tackle. That might give us an edge, which we’re trying to figure out what it is.”
At this point the Giants were actually flirting with drafting a running back after hearing a BBI rumor that Tiki Barber had ripped his Achilles tendon racing Steve Doocy to the weather map at “Fox & Friends.” Turns out the rumor was false, but it scared the Giants’ enough to add broadcasting and smiling to Tiki’s contractual list of “do’s and don’t's.”
When the Giants were called to the podium for Round 4, Ernie and staff had already decided to go for the BPA and picked Squintz Houlihan from Ledger du Maine U. Unfortunately, Squintz’ choice was the result of an error as he wasn’t a BPA but a CPA. Some accountant from the Giants’ Payroll department had written his name on the board as a possible hire to help work some magic on the cap.
“He’s a definite project” said an embarassed Accorsi of his one hundred and sixty-five pound selection, “but he’s strong for his size. He was able to bench press the U.S. Tax code forty-seven times and he’s willing to do anything to help the team, including bulking up to two forty.” Meanwhile, Squintz will be used to file the players’ tax returns. “This is NOT a wasted pick,” insisted a team spokesman, who was blocking the draft room door to keep Coach Coughlin from entering with his Q4 PPK Walther handgun.
In Round 5, the Giants went for an impact player, the kind of guy who’ll change the game, stir the drink and make waves. They picked the six-four, two hundred and sixty pound linebacker Legs Benedict from a college that’s in the Federal Witness Protection Program. Legs didn’t disappoint and made an immediate impact by shooting his cousin outside a SoHo bar where they were celebrating his selection. He also demonstrated a dazzling 4.8 forty speed by escaping police officers giving chase down Spring Street. He was ultimately gang tackled at Mulberry and Prince by disgruntled Jets’ fans. Accorsi was gratified that Legs outstripped all expectations as an impact player, but became concerned when told that Legs would have to be listed as a doubtful starter for fifteen to life.
The Giants gave up their sixth round to Tampa Bay for Jason Whittle, but Paul Tagliabue offered Ernie a complimentary pick and he selected a brisk but cooperative 1984 Mouton Cadet, which the war room enjoyed while waiting for Round Seven to roll around.
In Round 7, the Giants selected a player that brought boos and hoots from the fans. He is Maleeka, the uninomed junior from Florida Surf & Technical. A classic tweener type, Maleeka can play both cornerback and point guard, leading some to think that Ernie misunderstands the tweener concept altogether. Still, Maleeka is an excellent athlete. He not only has the intangibles, he’s also got the immeasurables, “which are just as important,” said Ernie, adding that everyone overlooks the immeasurables just because you can’t measure them. It’s this kind of insight that has most Giants fans gaping in awe and others gasping for air.
Nevertheless, Maleeka has a quick first step, which compensates for his lack of speed. He has some character issues as it was learned that he was the second person in R. Kelly’s closet, but the University managed to hush it up for the sake of their football program.
So, the jury is out on what Giants fans will think about the draft. On a scale of zero to minus five, a minus B+ seems a fair consensus, but we’ll have to wait to see how quickly Squintz fills out and learns the game before we can evaluate the 2006 draft, which will certainly go down somewhere in Giants history.
2003 GIANTS PRE DRAFT PREDICTIONS
Giant fans know that Ernie Accorsi shrewdly keeps his draft intentions close to the vest and under his hair. But not even the most astute Accorsi prognosticators could have predicted the unorthodox choices he made for the Giants at the 2003 draft this past weekend.
Even though Ernie had installed a dedicated Take-Ron-Dayne,-please phone-line, he was unable to put together a package to improve the Giants position. Ernie’s Plan B was simply to sustain recent, solid first round picks after a long history of so many busts. With that in mind, Accorsi surprised Jerry Reese and the staff in Round 1 by selecting University of Florida tight end, Jeremy Shockey. “He did so well for us last year, I thought we’d draft him again,” said Accorsi, “and this time we didn’t have to give up a fourth to get him.” Accorsi’s thinking is that with Shockey’s contract already in place, he won’t at all affect the cap, giving the Giants even more money to acquire all those impact free agents who come to visit but don’t sign with the team. Anonymous Giant sources report that Accorsi had overruled Jim Fassel, who was actually hoping for “another body” in camp. Bravely fighting back tears, Fassel sighed resignedly and reportedly said, “I guess I should just be grateful he didn’t pick Dan Graham.”
In Round 2, loyal fans were howling for defensive help, but Accorsi went offense, taking speedster Jiminy Sprickett, a wide receiver from Derby College in Louisville, who impressed everyone at the combine by racing a horse in the 40. He beat the horse by a nose, but many scouts say that the horse is the better receiver, suggesting that Sprickett is yet another WR project prospect in the grand Thomas Lewis, Brian Alford, Jonathan Carter, Daryl Jones and jury-is-still-out-on-Ron-Dixon tradition. Ernie defended the pick saying, “You can’t pass up a freak of nature,” referring to the fact that Sprickett has TWO achilles tendons in each leg. If he tears one during a game, a la Tim Carter, he’s got a spare ready to go.
With no trade for Dayne developing in Round 3, Accorsi took the unusual step of channeling Joel Buschbaum, who he says urged him to select massive DE, River Flower Beauchamp, from Commune U, in the little known semi-collegiate New Age XIIC Division, which boasts such bantam powerhouses as Passive Resistance Lycee, Vegan Academy and Home and Garden Institute of Design. The son of at least fourteen hippies, Ernie says River Flower brings a new dimension to football — a commitment to non-violence. Huge, fast and strong, this gentle behemoth uses his blazing speed and immense size to position himself perfectly in front of the runner, then saying, “Gotcha! Give up?” Accorsi said people would be amazed at how many ball carriers just fall down on the spot. “The kid will revolutionize the way football is played,” said Ernie, “and cut down on injuries.” Giants staffers drooled at River Flower’s incredible strength when he bench-pressed a copy of Dr. Joel’s psychological test sixty-seven times.
Smarting over the Giants lousy NFL compensatory picks, Accorsi used Round 4 to compensate in his own way by boldly defying convention and selecting two players. “Hey, they hosed us, we’ll hose them,” he said. This audacious move threw the NFL brass a curve and sent them into a huddle for a pow-wow type symposium meeting. When they finally concluded that the maneuver was illegal, the Niners and Eagles had already made their picks and it was too late for a do-over.
So, Ernie’s first Round 4 pick was offensive tackle, Moishe Markowitz, a 320 pound OT from Yeshiva U. “Markowitz is an orthodox Jew and he gives us a seamless transition for the loss of Mike Rosenthal, who is also Jewish.” Accorsi added that “Continuity is important and this pick assures us that locker-room kibitzing, which Jews excel at, won’t be missed.
Accorsi’s second pick of Round 4 filled the need for a rush end. Ernie picked Clemson’s Khalid Muhammad Abdul, who was a red shirt from the University of Kurdistan. Constantly haunted by Saddam Hussein’s vicious elimination of his people, Khalid was the only collegian the NCAA permitted to play in a gas mask instead of a helmet. Khalid’s father is a member of the fabled Kurdish fighting force, peshmerga, which means “those who face death.” As a youth, Khalid belonged to a peshmerga offshoot known as smeshmarga, which means “those who face Orlando Pace.”
At Round 5, the Trade-Ron-Dayne-Please-phone-line rang and Ernie leapt at it. It was the Steelers, who were willing to take Dayne for a fifth round pick — ours. Ernie politely hung up and selected the best available athlete, the quick, acrobatic, highly-touted Ricky DiNardo, from Fresno State. Ernie always says that you can’t pass up a great player when he falls to you. Unfortunately, Rickey plays shortstop. “But we can plug him in anywhere,” Ernie said excitedly, “catcher, third base, left field — you name it.” Jim Fassel took a moment from his crying jag to have a word with Ernie before the next pick as he worriedly noticed that a tremendously athletic point guard was still on the board.
As the three-pick, Round 6 bonanza began, Ernie told reporters he regretted not taking Phil Simms’ son, Chris. “We would have loved to have him,” said Ernie, “but it didn’t work out.” But, mindful of how sentimental Giant fans are, Ernie found Trey Junkin’s son, Henry, a running back from some college somewhere. Henry demonstrated his evasive, elusive running style by eluding notice from every draft analyst in the country. Nevertheless, Ernie said “if he’s half the player Trey was then, well … then he’ll be half the player.”
For the second pick of Round 6, the Giants went to the Value Board. Surprisingly, several great values were still available and Ernie picked a 1999 blue Lexus, fully loaded, with only thirteen thousand miles on it. “It was way under the blue book price and too good to pass up,” said Ernie, “and won’t make a dent in the cap.” He assured puzzled Giant fans that the Lexus had come in for a tryout and performed perfectly on the new Meadowlands turf.
For the Giants third Round 6 pick, Ernie went defense and chose cornerback Parnell Stokes, from Mortuary U. Neither Stokes nor the school appeared on any draft guide and reporters wondered how Stokes came to the Giants’ attention. According to Accorsi, the Giants were forwarded the letter Stokes had written to the “Make A Wish” Foundation.” Despite the mellow, laid-back atmosphere of the Mortuary campus, Stoke’s non-stop, competitive nature was evident, revealing a “Keith Elias quality” the Giants seem to like so much — until the real season starts. The few scouts who saw Stokes noted that though he does have a motor that won’t quit, his motor often won’t start. “A possible project,” said Seahawk stringer, Joe Flynn, “A work in progress,” said Mel Kiper. “A lazy bum,” said Stokes’ coach. Some Giant observers were skeptical, calling Stokes another Frank Ferrara, but without the talent.
With the picks dwindling to a precious few, and the Dayne line quiet, Ernie debated whether to move on up like the Jefferson’s or move on down like a 401K. Instead, Ernie moved crosstown by trading places with the Jets. However, there was a mix-up. Someone thought Ernie had said “trading spaces,” and when he returned to his office after the draft, Paige, Frank, Laurie and the Jets’ GM had redecorated it in a soft mix of earth tones with imposing splashes of primary colors. The occasional pieces were reconditioned in natural woods and a sissle rug painted with the Giants’ logo in fuschia. (Frank’s idea, said Paige.) Ernie liked the look, but said he’d rather have a nickel back.
Does the 2002 Giants/49er’s playoff game ring a sour taste in your mind? It still does for Accorsi, who did something about it in the first pick of Round 7 when he cleverly drafted an NFL official. “We’ve been jobbed so many times that we decided to take the bulls**t by the horns, so to speak,” said Ernie. The official is retired cardiologist, Lloyd “I didn’t see it” Cranford, a trim, fit, sixty-four year-old who boasts that he can do the 40 in a little under twelve minutes. Since Cranford has few actual football skills, Accorsi figures Coach Fassel will line him up differently on each play. “His job isn’t to actually play,” Accorsi said, almost shouting to be heard over Coach Fassel’s sobbing, “it’s to keep the officiating honest.”
In the second pick of Round 7, the Giants took a flyer on a Rod Rust favorite, a kid who declared his eligibility without going to college. He’s defensive tackle, Martin Macklin, from Rocky Mountain High, Colorado. Rust raves that Macklin learned the “Read and React” system as a toddler by studying “Hooked On Phootball.” “This one hundred and eighty pound kid has an incredible analytical mind that will more than make up for his small size and lack of aggressiveness,” said Rust. Giant fans read about the pick and reacted violently.
The Giants third pick of Round 7 went with Ron Dayne to another team. Ernie considered himself lucky he didn’t have to give up a Round 5 pick to get rid of him.
2002 GIANTS PRE-DRAFT PREDICTIONS
The following are draft predictions from BBI crystal ball prognosticator, Montreal Man. They were posted Friday before the draft. You’ll be amazed at the accuracy of the picks. Read on and marvel.
Everyone who said the Giant front office was blowing smoke was right. Forget Jeremy Shockey, forget Donte Stallworth, forget Levi Jones. The Giants shocked the world in Round 1 today by selecting right offensive tackle, Wolfen
Mongohojitz from Left Lansing State in East Lakawana, North Dakota. Though Left Lansing isn’t a football powerhouse, it nevertheless has sent a number of graduates to the NFL over the years, and we’re looking them up in the microfiche.
Jim McNally wasn’t available for comment, as he is in Roosevelt Hospital for what Giant doctors are calling mild scratches on his wrists, but which attending physicians are describing as an attempted suicide. Giants publicist, Pat Hanlon, told reporters that the suicide was totally accidental. “Could happen to anyone,” he quipped.
In Round 3, Coach Fassel got what he wanted — a speed burning wide receiver, Latrell Hashan Rasheed X from Somewhere In Florida U. Coach Fassel waited a moment for his Zanax to kick in before praising the selection. “This kid has it all,” he said. “He’s got the potential, the possibilities, the lurking speed, probable intelligence and many dormant skills. And that’s not even talking about his measurables, which haven’t yet been measured, nor his ingangibles, which are very intangible. We project him as “within the imaginable realm of starting as soon as … as soon as …” and here the Zanax took their toll and Coach drifted off, unable to complete his thought. No doubt he was dreaming of those long bombs from Kerry to X.
Round 4 went to cornerback Putney Mansfield, from Wolverine Secretarial in Michigan, a Division 6D school. The Giants defended the pick by saying that Mansfield was the best available athlete on the value board in the least needed position category. “When a kid like this drops to your spot, you can’t pass him up.” “We like how he shows up for games” said Dave Brazil. “He gets to the stadium on time, puts on his uniform without a hassle, and then goes on the field to play. It’s rare to find a work ethic like that in a kid.” DB coach DeWayne Waker was scratching his head in delight.
In Round 5, Ernie picked tight end Dave Margins, from Utah Tech Academy, giving offensive coordinator Sean Payton another weapon in his complex but predictable offensive schemes. “He did great on the Wonderlic test. Blew it through the roof,” said Accorsi, and Dr. Joel couldn’t say enough about this kid. He’s big, strong, a good blocker, has fine hands and we were surprised as hell he was available.” Some draft observers expressed concern over Dave’s medical history, but Accorsi said Margins has compensated for the triple vision in his one good eye. “He just catches the football in the middle,” he said, and assured us that “This is no Cedric Jones situation.”
“And his limp is completely healed,” said Coach Fassel, momentarily regaining consciousness. “He’s been fitted with a lift in his right shoe to equalize his leg length. That he played with one leg shorter than the other is a tribute to … tribute to his …” and Coach’s thought was completed by Accorsi, “toughness,” he said.
In Round 6, the Giants selected the exciting, linebacking playmaker and special teamer, Owen Van Owen. “This kid had over two hundred tackles in his senior year, plus thirty-two sacks,” raved Accorsi, who acknowledged that Van Owen’s death last week made this pick a bit of a stretch. “It definitely could limit his productivity,” said special teams coach, Bruce Read. “It’ll be a challenge for strength and conditioning coach, Mother Dunn, no question,” he added, “but the Giants believe in giving people a second chance. That’s what this organization is all about.” Mel Kiper called the pick a reach, saying that Owen would have been available in the seventh round, or maybe even next year.
Round 7, however, went to place holding specialist, Tommy Badalucci, who attended Notre Dame on the Rudy Athletic Scholarship Grant. “Games are lost on muffed ball placements,” said Accorsi. “Tommy is as sure-handed as they come, and we expect him to be our place holder for many years.”
Accorsi left Madison Square garden in a good mood, despite needing police protection because of a number of death threats. Defensive Coordinator, Johnny Lynn left before the draft was over to pay a visit to Jim McNally and neither have been heard from since.
2002 GIANTS POST DRAFT ANALYSIS
It’s Monday morning and the 2002 NFL draft is over. BBI super talent analyist, Montreal Man, examines the Giants selections. It doesn’t get any better than this, folks.
In Round 1, Ernie Accorsi switched positions with the Titans to ensure the availability of the much coveted tight end, Jeremy Shockey. Giant fans were still in shocky that Ernie also gave up our Round 4 pick because the team needs bodies to replace the seven they lost. Coach Fassel says that many players on the current roster can play several positions and, if necessary, during some plays those guys can be on the field twice.
The Giants faithful were generally happy with the Shockey pick, but unhappy with the pick switch and offered alternatives. Why not instead move down to Cincy’s ten, give up a third and get Levi Jones, or trade up and get an extra fifth, or give up a two and a three for a lower first, or trade up to nineteen and get an extra six, or exchange spots with the Texans, take David Carr and trade him back for a two and a five, or give up the two to the ‘Boys for our third and seventh, (which is what we’ll be facing without a decent O-line), or exchange our first and third for the Redskins fourth and seventh, (which is why we’ll be punting so much), or cunningly confuse Belichek with an offer to swap firsts even up, or give up a fourth and fifth for a do-over of last year’s Markham pick. Yes, Giant fans were second-guessing and third-guessing this pick, but there was no fourth-guessing, which they surrendered for next year’s first guessing.
The Round 2 pick had the typewriter question mark keys and puzzled “huh’s” working double overtime with the selection of Tim Carter from Auburn. A special teams demon, punt returner and speedy wide receiver, Carter was timed out as a 4.2 in the 40, but it was indoors. Outdoors, he was timed at 4.3 with a slight wind, and then timed in full pads in the rain, where he clocked in at 4.4. He was then timed on artificial turf, grass, wet grass, dry grass, high-on-grass, indoors under wet conditions, outdoors in the mud, on concrete and in the nude. This kid is fast but very raw, a veritable Carter tartare on the Giants offensive menu.
In Round 3, the Giants picked Jeff Hatch, a big, gangly, Ivy League, left tackle from the University of Pennsylvania. Ernie assures us that this kid is motivated and highly intelligent. He demolished Yale and Harvard defenses with his comprehension of Quantum theory and complete recall of the collected works of Alfred Lord Tennyson. Rutgers is still reeling from his humiliation of their own vaunted “D” when Hatch’s theory of exponential progressions sprung his backfield for v(a2 + b2) yards per carry. At the Combine, his triangle scores of Math, Chemistry and Philosophy were phenomenal and cosmologically impressive. He will revolutionize offensive line play with his thought provoking 3 point stance, squared.
Feeling strongly about the missing round four, fans experienced a speed bump at Round 5 with the pick of ILB Nick Griessen. At first they were thrilled because they thought they heard Paul Taliabue announce the selection of the comedian Tom Driessen, a pick that would restore camaraderie in a potentially fractured locker room from the loss of Jesse Armstead and the Barber/Strahan nyah-nyah’s. Nevertheless, Griessen’s selection fills the Giants traditional “Cory” opening, which has remained vacant since the departure of Cory Widmer. “We can’t remember when there wasn’t a Cory on the team,” said Jim Fassel, “and it’s time we corrected that oversight.” Even though Griessen’s name is Nick, everyone thinks of him as a Cory, and there’s speculation that he might even legally change his name. His value will be as a long snapper, which the Giants will be doing a lot of without a proven O-line to help move the chains.
In Round 6, things got better. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be strong safety Wesley Mallard from Oregon. By all accounts, he will challenge Omar Stoutmire at the position and could emerge a starter provided a crazed hunter doesn’t take a shot at him when the season opens. As a precaution, Mallard will be the only player wearing bright orange and the Giants will put him in the nickel package, along with some scalloped potatoes, porcini mushrooms, endive salad and a Calloway chardonay.
Round 7 brought the Giants another WR project, Daryl Jones. When paired with Tim Carter, this gives the G-men as talented a tandem of bench warming wide outs not seen since the glory days of Thomas Lewis and Brian Alford, and currently sustained by Ron Dixon. “It’s a speed league and you can never have enough fast, bad route running projects with unsure hands sitting on the bench for your team,” said Accorsi. “Sean tells us he’s definitely NOT planning to use three or four wide receiver sets and we’re happy to give him weapons for not implementing them.”
With the second pick of Round 7 the Giants selected OLB, Quincy Monk. At this point, only the obsessively insane or committed draftniks were paying attention. Naysayers said either that Monk didn’t have a prayer or he was a reach who would have been available as a free agent, which meant that in this round the Giants should’ve picked any number of other reaches that they could also have gotten as free agents if they didn’t pick them, unless they were drafted by another team and there would have been lots of BBI pissing and moaning that we let someone we never heard about get away.
All in all, Giant fans gave the draft a high C or a low B, depending on whether they were tenors or basses. E-mails to Giant websites indicate that during the draft, total damage came to thirty-five remotes tossed, fifteen tv’s damaged, four satellite dishes ripped out, twelve dogs kicked, three chairs toppled, a credenza smashed to pieces, two autos banged up, eight hundred beers consumed and a partridge in a pear tree. See you all in camp.
ROD RUST REJOINS GIANTS STAFF
The New York Giants restored former defensive coordinator, Rod Rust, into the fold as defensive quality control specialist, a guru position equal to that of Jim Fassel’s QB title. Rod Rust was the former coach of The Montreal Alouettes, but was let go just weeks before the Grey Cup, for which the team may not qualify, after enthusiastic season opening expectations.
Rust is the innovative genius who devised the R & R defense rumored as much despised by the fabled Giants’ team of Taylor, Banks and Johnson. “We Americans are an aggressive bunch,” says Rust, “and the idea of a “Read and React” defense didn’t sit well with the guys.”
Learning from his cultural misjudgment, Rust devised a variant of the R & R to accomodate the more thoughtful Canadian culture, a new defense called the R & D, or the “Read and Discuss.”
“Once the ball is snapped,” explained Rust, “the defense will read the play and quickly discuss the best counter. When they reach a consensus, they act in unison to stop it.”
The scheme was better in theory than in practice, or in the games themselves, a fact the honest Rust freely admits after his first one and sixteen season. During the discuss phase, the linebackers would turn their backs to the line of scrimmage to get input from the secondary. “Naturally, our opponents broke some big ones.”
Players, however, enjoyed the bonding experience created by the “Read and Discuss.” Strong side linbacker Gord Mahaffy tells how he got to “really know” middle linebacker Mike Solomon in the second quarter of a one hundred seventeen to three loss to the Stampeders.
“It was a pitchout to Clemmons,” says Mahaffy, “and as I was gathering my thoughts for the discuss phase, Mike shouted over to me that the play reminded him of a passage from a Margaret Atwood novel, ‘Lady Oracle.’ Well, hell, I didn’t know Mikey was a Margaret Atwood fan. I’m a Robertson Davies guy myself, but I liked Atwood’s dark, brooding characters and detailed sense of place. So did he. We would’ve never have found this out if it wasn’t for the R & D, even though the ‘Stamps’ broke a big one.”
Rust admits his job was complicated by the Quebec language problem. Always careful to keep their language pure, the French are loathe to adopt American terms. His scheme was re-named the Read and RSVP, or respondez vous s’il vous plait. Also, in the heat of a game, it took the English players a while to realize “dessin du quart-arrère” was a quarterback draw and not an appetizer, or that “un semblant de jeu renversé” was a fake reverse. “By the time you called the signal, the guy was gone,” Rust said with a chuckle, “and they broke some big ones.”
In his second year, Rust abandoned the R & D for another R & R scheme, the “Rest and React.” At the snap, the entire defense rests, to gather strength to stop the oncoming play. “We had good results,” says Rust, “but for reasons I never expected.” He continued, “you know when you push down a door that’s already off its hinges? Well, not only does the door go down, so do you. We found that when our defensive front four rested after the snap, our opponents’ O-line just pancaked them, but because resting players offer no resistance, they fell kerplop on top of our guys. This created a huge pile-up of players on the line of scrimage that the tailback couldn’t get through. It was human gridlock and worked well for a while, until everyone started scrambling wide and broke some big ones.”
I asked Rust what other ingenious schemes he had lined up for the unsuspecting CFL should he have remained as head coach. He cited the R & H, or the “Run and Hide.” Before the snap, corners run and hide behind the linebackers. When the tailback thinks he’s making it past the linebacker, the corner jumps out from behind him and scares the shit out of the guy. Rust expects the system to cause the tailback to fumble as he reflexively grasps his heart from the surprise, the way you do when someone yells “Boo.” “Of course,” he adds, “you need really huge linebackers and small corners, which we didn’t have,” and other teams broke some really big ones.”
Other possible schemes are the R & W, which is the “Read ‘em and Weep,” the “Rise and Shine” the “Rum and Coke” and the “Twist and Shout.” He was about to install two other schemes before he was fired. Both are variants of the original R & R. One is the “Rant and Rave,” where at the snap, the entire defense throws a huge tantrum. “It should be interesting,” said Rust. “Nobody knows how to deal with tantrums. I’ve been a parent and grandparent and still haven’t figured it out. Maybe the other team won’t know either.”
The other scheme is the “Rude and Run.” At the snap, selected defensive players insult the man across the line and then run away as the guy chases him, forgetting his original assignment.
But the team did not give him the chance and only scheme Rust experienced was the CFL’s own R & R, a Rocky Ride and it’s hoped he can bring his defensive innovative genius to the Giants this coming year.
NEW GIANTS COACH TOM COUGHLIN
LAYS DOWN LAW TO FAN WEBSITE
From Eric Kennedy, Webmaster of BigBlueInteractive,the greatest football site in cyberspace.
It didn’t take Tom Coughlin long to put his unique, disciplinarian stamp on the New York Giants. Quicker than you can say “fire Jim Fassel,” Coughlin instituted rigid policies governing fan behavior, specifically at BBI.
In a private memo to BBImeister, Eric Kennedy, which was leaked by a banned, digruntled BBI member named Nizar, Coughlin revealed his playbook for forum conduct and behavior. Among the eighty-seven rules, which he labels the 8-7 cyber defense, are:
No lurking. Enough of smirking, second-guessing and complaining behind the safety of your monitor while others courageously lay it on the line and make fools of themselves with inane threads, opinions, comments and observations. If you’re an idiot and you know it, write it down, so other members can call you out and rip you a new one.
Thread titles must clearly state the thread’s ACTUAL point. Coughlin calls this winning the battle at the line of threadage — the title. Eric himself has addressed this problem with a paragraph in the BBI code of conduct, but has spent little time enforcing it, citing such lame excuses as a full time job, building a new house and having a baby. Coughlin’s reputation as a strict disciplinarian should turn things around.
“Right now,” Coughlin wrote, “BBI thread titles are informational bait and switches.” He cites examples like the thread title “Saban is in,” while the opening post reads, “if he wants the job,” and the “Big Fat Dayne” title, which was really a dissertation on the difference between krispy kremes and Dunkin’ Donuts.
Coughlin dealt with the obvious corrolary by insisting that participating posters on any thread STAY on topic, eliminating the disease of content turnover known as “Millering.” No more threads that begin with Tiki’s fumbling and end with posts about Chinese foreign policy by way of Shawn Alexander, Ernie Accorsi, racism, mortal sins, lawyers, Seinfeld, Paulie Walnut’s politics, string theory, Isaac Stern and the State Department. End the Millering or else.
NFT’s will be strictly limited to one per poster per week, and at least one NFT per day must be about punctuality and ties. “I want the fans to live, eat, sleep and think football and prompt neatness 24/7. How can posters concentrate on the complexities of the game if they’re focusing on Hillary, the ACLU, the Knicks, rock groups, Bush, George Steinbrenner, the economy, Trent’s whereabouts or how to make a tasty marinara sauce?”
Coughlin ended this section with guidelines about improving the level of expression, particularly personal pronoun agreement, coordinating conjunctions, subject/verb agreement, correct use of your/you’re, their/there, run-on sentences and, most importantly, punctuation.
“Punctuation is the special teams of posting,” Coughlin wrote. “Good punctuation gives each idea great field position. Capital letters need to get downfield quickly, commas must stay in their lanes while colons, semi-colons, exclamation points and question marks need to form wedges effective enough for a thought to go all the way for six. Spelling was a lost cause, he conceded, too complex a problem to deal with in the first season. He intends to bring in a special spelling coach to alleviate the problem but admits that with such egregiously bad spellers as Randy in CT, the road ahead will be tuft.
For any offense, the offending poster will have to run thirty laps around his computer in full business clothes if at work and in sweats if at home. Posters must be properly dressed when posting. No nude posting will be allowed.
Further, BBI’ers cannot post unless their workplace is properly lit, they have glare reflectors on their monitors and they maintain erect posture, with arms placed fully on the desk to avoid troublesome carpal tunnel injuries and to “look nice” when typing. “I want to keep posters’ fingers and wrists healthy for the long season ahead,” wrote Coughlin. “What good are Chris Jacob’s analyses if his hands are so crippled he can’t post them?”
Posters must also be in bed at curfew. “I don’t want to see any three AM posts,” Coughlin wrote. “A good thread begins with a good night’s sleep. Anyone who doesn’t like it is welcome to go the Eagles web page.”
As for content, joke of the week must go, Friday fun must go and Art in Jersey MUST vote democrat in the next election if he wants a spot on the BBI team. Oliver must inform us about the length of his preambles to his game observations to give readers time to go to lunch or take a shower. No more snappy quips from FatMan, Been in Adirondacks, Daniel in MI. Anyone who doesn’t take seriously every aspect of the game is GONE.
Before posting, the topic unicorn, Big Blue ’56, will be required to register each topic for psychiatric examination.
Further memos will be forthcoming about BBI camp attendance and behavior. Informed sources reveal that he’s sent Montreal Man an Excel template on posting BBI’ers attendance, calling his previous yearly listings amateurish, sloppy and embarassing. When interviewed, MM would neither confirm or deny receiving the template, although it was difficult to understand him from his perch on the thirtieth floor ledge of the Albany Hilton.
It’s also been rumored that Coughlin expects BBI’ers who come to camp to wear shorts, polo shirts, matching socks and sensible shoes. No flip-flops or sissy sandals. They MUST wear sunglasses and STAND during each session in order to get in shape. The players are busting their guts on the field, so should spectators. Hats are optional, but caps must be worn with the peak facing forward.
And so begins the Coughlin era.
And the Eli era.