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    POPE FRANCIS TO CANONIZE PRESIDENT OBAMA

    St. Barack Of Ward 42

    In a stunning announcement, Pope Francis has declared that he will make Barack Obama a saint, glorifying this clean, articulate young President as the Church’s two thousandth six hundred and forty-first saint and the only one sanctified while still alive.

    His official canonical designation will be St. Barack Of Ward 42. The Vatican’s holy people are consulting with the President’s holy people to determine what he’ll be saint of. Current speculation is that he will be named the Patron Saint of Celebrities.

    Pope Francis first learned about Obama’s saintly qualities some years ago when rumors of his miraculous effect on people began to emerge after his trip to Europe.

    “These were indeed wondrous stories of transformations,” said Vatican spokesman, Cardinal Annuncio Proclamma. “People in his presence came away in ecstasy, their minds clouded with ardor and blankness.” He added, “few people have the holiness to cloud men’s minds. Only The Shadow did that.”

    Others were so frenzied they endlessly repeated the name Obama, often speaking it in tongues — Obama, Ojamba, Jamabun, Mabamba, Balloona, Ombajaba, Pahjamah, Behnihanah, Cinnabonna, Kakadoodie, Bubonah, Kokomomah, Peckinpaba, Cahwahbonga and Jub.  It was wondrous to hear the babble of his followers.

    Soon after the initial reports of Obama’s fervent hold on the blank minded, stories of individual miracles began to emerge. Gunnar Schmidt of Munich said that after Obama walked past Schmidt’s Mercedes, the car started getting sixty-three miles to the litre — in city traffic. A woman who requested anonymity claimed that after fifteen years of being unable to bear children, she now likes them a lot.  She plans to open a day care center in her village.

    The Papal Investigatory team learned that during Obama’s second campaign, an Iowa resident named Billy Winthrop said that after he shook hands with Obama, he received a medical bill for only fifty dollars for his recent two year treatment and hospitalization for thyroid cancer. “It cost so little because I touched Obama,” said Winthrop. “He almost makes me want to get another serious disease.”

    And there were countless reports of automobile tires self-inflating to their proper pressure, even the tires still on the store shelves. Also, several women reported that after gazing upon Obama, their hymens were restored.

    Faithful worshipers of soon-to-be Saint Barack are anticipating even more changes in their lives.  They feel that a living saint will  perform more miracles than a dead one.  Many Obama accolytes still believe that their morgtages will be paid and that jobs will multiply like loaves and fishes. Others will continue to be able to buy houses without having  jobs. So has all that and more been written in the prophesies of Psalm Emmanuel.

    Obama’s millions of followers have felt the rapture and are yearning for the end times of his presidency, when automobiles shall rise in everyone’s garage, college tuitions will be paid, unions will flourish and food stamps will flood their mailboxes. And so they continue to pray to Obama’s Church of Divine Government.

    “This is world class sainthood,” said a Vatican spokesman.  The Pope could not ignore it.

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