On this Martin Luther King day, we at the Rename-Everything-To-Martin-Luther-King-Institute are at a crossroads. It has come to our attention that a school in Hempstead, NY, has renamed itself Obama Elementary. Already! And he doesn’t even have a library yet.
We must meet this renaming challenge before it escalates or we will wake up one morning and discover that everything has been renamed after Obama and not Martin Luther King. We have been working hard to fight these changes and urge you all to re-double your efforts.
We are proud to announce on this Martin Luther King Day that we have added another seven hundred and forty two buildings, government agencies, monuments, charities, scholarships, parkways, roads, streets, highways, circles, drives and one traffic loop after this great man, beating the record for names changed in honor of JFK.
Since his tragic death, we have managed twelve thousand MLK name changes in the country. Each year brings us closer to our goal of re-naming everything in America in Reverend King’s honor.
Next week begins our campaign to rename the month of January after the Reverend. Martin Luther King day will then be appropriately celebrated on the third Monday of every Martin Luther King. While we’re on the calendar, we will continue efforts to rename the number four and Friday to Martin Luther King. When this is accomplished, all remaining Americans will be celebrating Independence Day on July Martin Luther Kingth, and the three-day holiday weekend will begin late Thursday or early Martin Luther Kingday and end on Sunday. The restaurant chain, T.G.I.F., is lobbying strenuously against this, saying that it doesn’t make sense for people to say “Thank God It’s Martin Luther Kingday” at the end of a hard work week. Excuse us, but we think it does.
Further, it gives our hearts a warm fuzzy to think that children in elementary schools will be reminded of Reverend King each time they recite their times tables: Martin Luther King times one is Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King times two is eight. Martin Luther King times three is twelve. Seven times two will, of course, be Martin Luther Kingteen.
Our lobbying efforts are in full swing to rename the Reverend King’s birth state, Georgia. Some groups, however, prefer that we rename his city of birth, giving us Martin Luther King, Georgia, instead of Atlanta, Martin Luther King. This disagreement will be moot once everything in the country has been changed; his birthplace will then be Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King, in the United Martin Luther King of America. His home is a national monument and tours can be arranged by calling (678) 382-63-Martin Luther King-5.
It’s possible that there would be incredible confusion when people ask directions, as was experienced in Los Angeles when a stranger asked for directions to Martin Luther King Hospital. The Los Angelino responded, “take Martin Luther King to Martin Luther King, turn left and keep going for Martin Luther King miles until you reach the Martin Luther King Loop. Circle the loop and take the second Martin Luther King exit. That puts you on Martin Luther King. You’ll pass two Martin Luther King signs, a Martin Luther Kingdonald and a Taco Martin Luther King. The next street after that you’ll see a Mobil Luther King station. Turn right and it’s at the end of the block.
Some very interesting changes have been suggested by others in the community and I’d like to pass them on for consideration. One is to rename twenty-two degrees farenheit to Martin Luther King. People would then be describing sub-zero weather thusly: “The temperature today here in Minneapolis is twelve degrees below Martin Luther King.” We like the idea.
Our Latest Achievement
Football fans have gotten into the act and are urging the league to rename the position of outside linebacker to Martin Luther King, as in Lawrence Taylor was the greatest Martin Luther King in the history of football. Leading the battle are the owners of the Martin Luther King Falcons, who spoke to us from Martin Luther King Field, where they were the first franchise to rename the end zone in the Reverend’s honor. Players will now have to reach the Martin Luther King to score a Martin Luther King. Teams will still have to kick a Medgar Evars for three points.
We approve of these suggestions and will implement them once the league changes NFL to MLKFL. With so many brothers on team rosters, this should be a slam dunk, as it will be in the Martin Luther King Basketball Association.
We hope that everyone with nothing better to do will join in our goal to rename everything to Martin Luther King. Our work is not done and the struggle continues, especially with our new President looming over the name-changing horizon. People ask us why we continue selflessly working to demand these changes. The answer is simple: Because we can. Yes we can.