We are coming to the end of another Easter season and the politically correct, leftist, Godless crowd known as progressive leftists (or something) are out in full force. And it’s not Islamists who’re making a fuss in Dearborn, Michigan.
So much tradition has been associated with Easter, the holiday that defines the Catholic Church. We have Easter bonnets, Easter Seals, Easter Sunday, Easter baskets & cards, the great MGM film The Easter Parade — movie and song (written by a Jew, the great American, Irving Berlin.) He gets it and he wasn’t even born here.
A few years ago, a victim of the predatory, secular left was the Easter bunny. See, these people have nothing in their lives except to stick their whiny buckets into their reservoir of complaint and come up with something else to piss people off. Since 2007, they’ve been trying to replace the Easter Bunny with the Spring bunny because the Easter Bunny might offend some people. Easter eggs have been redesigned as “spring spheres.” You can find dead Easter bunnies in Walnut Creek, Ca., St. Paul, Minn and the Shops in Plano, Texas, where the Easter holiday is now the Spring holiday. More Easter bunny deaths are expected.
These holiday name changes are getting harder to keep track of than all the places renamed after Martin Luther King.
It will take awhile before people start calling this furry little rodent the Spring Bunny when Easter time rolls around. First, the President will have to change the name of it’s traditional White House egg hunt on their lawn to the Spring Egg Hunt or the Holiday Egg Hunt. The former name is preferable so as not to confuse this holiday with the holiday we hold in December.
However, the association of a bunny with eggs has always puzzled me. Eggs mean chickens, not bunnies. Logically, shouldn’t it be the Easter Chicken? Besides, none of the gospels mention bunnies when writing of the resurrection, so Christians shouldn’t object to changing the Easter mascot to a chicken. It would then be called The Spring Chicken, an expression, however, that might offend seniors, who’d feel they’re being discriminated against as they clearly aren’t in the “spring” of their lives.
While we’re at it, let’s do a complete holiday makeover. Let’s change everything so that the secularists can enjoy the empty bankruptcy of their holiday desire. Valentine’s Day, for instance, is a tainted occasion, a minor one, to be sure, but there’s that religious word “Saint” attached to it. It must give excruciating psychological pain to American Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists or atheists to send Valentine Day Cards to their loved ones knowing that they’re tacitly endorsing a Christian-based personage. Certainly any expression of love is ruined by this connection. So let’s change it to something secular and call it Happy Valentines Day Massacre.
Or we could change it to ACLU Day? We could change the acronym to mean All-Cultures-Love-U. Keep the flowers and chocolates and maybe assign a bird to it. If a real bird is needed, make it the dove – the lovey dovey bird. So you can send Happy ACLU Day Cards on the day when love fills the air and romance blooms for the shriveled left.
The Thanksgiving Holiday is a tough one. Even secularists wouldn’t find much wrong with a simple thank you. I’d been taught, mistakenly as it turns out, that on the first Thanksgiving the Pilgrims were giving thanks to God while inadvertently creating the first long holiday weekend. Other religions might not have much of a problem thanking God since they can just substitute their own God for the Christian God.
But there are those devout atheists, agnostics, ACLUists and general all-purpose secularists to satisfy, and satisfy them we must in this great country of ours, where we allow any minority interest to kick the crap out of the rest of us and call it democracy.
So, if not God, who are we supposed to thank if we want to continue losing those two or three paid days off from work?
Obviously, the turkey. It’s the bird that started it all and is identified with Thanksgiving as the hot dog is with baseball and condoms are with public high schools.. In fact, we could create national unity by allowing secularists to give our traditional holidays the bird — the Spring Chicken, the Valentines Dove, the Thanksgiving Turkey and Holiday Goose. With the mighty eagle as our national symbol, we could change our national motto to In Fowl We Trust.
Of course, all these bird symbols will offend PETA and vegans, whose feelings must be considered. These super-minorities are a noisy part of American life and follow their dietary beliefs with a religious fervor in the chapels of Whole Foods across the country, where soy turkeys are sold. For starters, we could create the Thanksgiving Eggplant. Some of them are as big as turkeys and they already come stuffed. Not only would this not offend anyone but it’s probably healthier, along with the Spring Asparagus, the ACLU Brussel Sprout and the Holiday Broccoli. Me, I’m sticking with my Easter Bunny. I’m off to paint some spring spheres for the annual spring sphere hunt.